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Batman smells...Robin laid an egg...mmmm...eggs

by jesus at 02:22 AM on February 20, 2002

As I write this, there's a strong likelihood that these wonderful things are occuring somewhere in the world: police brutalizing minorities, African children starving and falling dead in the streets, and people in India succumbing to The Plague. I'm used to the racial beatings and starving children, I hear about it constantly, but that li'l tidbit about The Plague is of some interest.

Any time there's news about India, it gives me a chance to reflect upon the humour (aren't I cultured? With an extra "u"!) I manage to find in all situations. I've never been to India, and I'm sure it's a wonderful place, what with the mostly eradicated diseases and violent border wars and constant threat of nuclear annihilation, but I've heard there's lots of cows wandering around. And cows are undeniably funny animals. I'm assuming the cow thing is true, much like I assume it's true that polar bears lurk in the streets of Canada and Australia is comprised entirely of huggable bears and bouncy marsupials.

Anyway, there is a Sacred Cow, and I think I ate it for lunch. As an American, it's my duty to consume vast quantities of cow, cow that was likely brutally slaughtered, drained, cut up, grinded, packaged, possibly fried, and hopefully served safely from a Jack In The Box drive-thru window. There are those who refuse to eat meat, and though they prefer to be called vegetarians, I often refer to them as "inhuman monsters", the least American of all peoples.

This country was built on the slaughter of and eating of delicious animals, usually with both parts being performed by a gun toting hillbilly. And to refuse to eat that meat is tantamount to spitting on the American flag, tearing it into itsy-bitsy pieces, stomping on it, setting it aflame, and pissing on the ashes. Eating meat is the most American of all practices, just above the phenomenon known as pro wrestling.

The next time you go to your local burger joint, remember, that heart stopping burger in your hand isn't just a slab of meat and a couple of buns hastily tossed together by an aloof teenager, it's a slice of Americana. So stand tall, and if your heart stops beating and you fall dead with partly masticated cow hanging from your mouth, then you can die proud, knowing that you're a true American.
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If there are any people I didn't manage to offend, please let me know. I tried to cover my bases here, though I noticably left the French and Polish out, simply for the sake of keeping this under a thousand words. Don't burn me at the stake, please.

comments (6)

Is there anything better than responding to one's own post?

Ralph Wiggum-

"When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!"

by jesus at February 20, 2002 2:26 AM


by emma at February 20, 2002 3:29 AM

you failed to offend the irish. i feel left out. wait. that offends me.


by kd at February 20, 2002 4:22 AM

Of course there are polar bears up here in Canada. Oh, and don't forget your skis when you come for a visit next July.

by Bill at February 20, 2002 11:01 AM

And here I thought all this time that being a vegetarian was being helpful. Now I realize if I don't eat meat, the terrorists have won - hand me that prime rib!

by mg at February 20, 2002 11:30 AM

Beautiful!!!!! I have some friends that are vegitarian for political reasons, no allergies or anything, so when the bring their veggie, tofu burgers over for cook-outs, we get them distracted and when they are not paying attention, we put them on top of one juicy, greasey burger and put another one on top and squeeze down to make sure the juices get in there. They have never caught on, and to this day comment on how wonderful their burgers taste, and they can never get them to taste as good at home.

by Wilbur at February 20, 2002 7:11 PM

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