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A Man With A Plan

by jesus at 03:15 AM on February 25, 2002

Terrorists are evil, evil people, and they all seem to congregate in this hell-hole known as a Middle Eastern Cave. The elderly are also evil, evil people, and they all seem to congregate in this hell-hole known as Florida. Florida, as we all have learned from years of reading Scripture, is the root of all things synonomous with "not good". Evidence? Yea. I got evidence. And it all leads to a tidy solution as to how to eliminate the terrorist threat, without getting our hands dirty. So, without delay...

Example Uno: Anthrax. Remember where that whole anthrax scare started? Yep. It killed an elderly newspaper gentleman first, and then spread north. Naturally, the man had to be elderly, as they don't allow anyone under the age of 60 to enter the state.

Example Dos: Florida hates unfortunate, abused people. Because of Florida, this country has warehouses packed full of the wonder drug Cipro, a medication designed to fight a disease that's killed about a half dozen Americans in the last quarter century. That's hard-earned tax money that could be put to better use elsewhere, like medicating Typhoid Mary or building a home for this vagrant named Radio Randy that wanders around my hometown. But nooooooo...Florida hates the diseased and homeless, they love to watch pain and suffering. The sadistic bastards. Did I mention they used to allow slavery in Florida?

Example...Three: Florida hates children, too. According to the people who study these kinds of things, by the time my generation is ready to make our pilgrimage to Florida and die, Social Security will be all screwed up. And once Social Security goes down, this whole country is all going to hell. Rhinos will be running through the streets, The Antichrist will be sitting on Abe's lap on The Lincoln Monument, and poo-flinging monkeys will be hanging from trees everywhere. If FDR had never gotten Polio, and if he wasnt dead, hed probably roll over in his grave, or at least turn on his side and grumble.

Aside from the two weeks a year known as Spring Break when hordes of inebriated college girls invade and take over, Florida is little more than a giant, swampy grave-- a place where the old and decrepit go to leech off the young and die slow, painful deaths. I only listed three examples of why Florida is the cause of all the world's ills, but there are so many more: the 2000 Presidential Election, the countless people run down by blind grannies at speeds sometimes exceeding 10 mph, and the continued popularity of croquet and CNN.

What do Walt Disney, Andrew Jackson, Ray Charles, and Janet Reno all have in common? They're either dead (Disney, Jackson), mostly dead (Charles), or will eventually be dead (Reno). Some say it's just a coincidence that those four very closely related mortals are all destined to the same fate, but can such compelling evidence truly be dismissed as coincidence?

I still don't understand why we're trying to keep terrorists out of this country. What we need to do is make Florida a more attractive place for potential terrorists; a few large buildings could be put up, we could throw together an Israeli embassy, maybe build some ultra low tech nuclear power plants, and voila! It's like a terrorist's wet dream. Florida's a giant death trap, so why not use it to our advantage?

comments (3)

wow. such insight. such clarity of thought.

dude. you ought to live in LA.


by jenn at February 25, 2002 9:47 AM

The elderly in the UK are what keep decrepit, run down seaside towns in business, they all migrate to resorts immendiately after retirement.
If it wasn't for them we would no longer have the horror that is seaside arcades and rock (the sweetkind). Not that the elderly could eat rock with their dentures.

by emma at February 25, 2002 3:09 PM

Like rock cocaine? Or rock candy? I'm intrigued by the ways of the British.

by jesus at February 25, 2002 7:10 PM

comments are closed