sugar, baby

by bornfamous at 11:34 PM on December 09, 2001

I know, I know - I haven't been posting. Sorry! It's just that I've been so depressed about all the wonderful new writers here. No, really. And tired too. Too tired to write.

Next time you hear me whine about being depressed or tired, remind me to stop eating carbs, will you? Just tell me, "It's the sugar, baby!"

God, this happens over and over. Every time I finally wake up to what's happening, the internal conversation is like this: "Duh! Don't you remember? You have hypoglycemia! Both of your parents, two of your grandparents, an uncle, a cousin and your sister, all have - or have DIED - of diabetes. HELLO!!!"

I don't know why I have amnesia about sugar, but it's getting to be more like Alzheimer's. I should have "NO CARBS" tattooed on my forehead. Wait - I couldn't see it then. Ok, how about on my right [eating] hand? That sounds good. There's a tattoo parlor not far from here...

What I hate about a no- or lo-carb diet is the funny taste in my mouth. If you've ever tried it, you know what I mean. It's what you get when you're in a state of ketosis, which experts say is bad for normal folks but good for diabetics and hypoglycemics. The funny taste also translates to bad breath. Not that I have to worry about offending anyone other than my teenage son, who usually has bad breath himself until I nag him to brush.

The other thing I hate is the pee factor. I have to pee every half hour. I keep telling myself that's a good thing - it means I'm losing weight - but damn, it's annoying. And then there's the Big C - Constipation - but let's not go there.

Maybe Effenheimer and I can be sugar buddies - except he's far more entertaining about it than I am. Hell, he's far younger than I am. At least he still has hope of getting laid some day.