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effenheimer

I believe in miracles, you sexy thang!

by effenheimer at 02:33 PM on December 07, 2001

I have just been ordered by the lord to be an exercise whore, I guess. For some time now, I have been operating under the delusion that I was just a fat, lazy piece of shit. I thought my lack of energy was a character flaw and that if only I were normal and in shape I could do all the little things I haven't even been able to admit to myself that I cannot do.

I got diagnosed with diabetes at the end of October, right before Halloween thank you very much, God. It was all a huge curse and I was oh-so depressed and to tell you the truth it is a bitch. When you have a whole inside of you that can only be filled with food because mommy and daddy never loved you and you don't really have any friends and no one would fuck you with a ten foot pole, a large combination pizza from Godfather's while watching Dr. Who is a close second. BOO HOO HOO! Fuck that shit.

I thought to myself, I am never going to have the things other people take for granted like some woman bitching at me to clean the gutters and rug rats to drive me fucking insane 24 hours a day and carry on my genetic legacy. I am going to die a horrible death because of this shit and all I really want is some skank to cuddle with, is that such a terrible thing? WAHHHH!

So I, an agnostic by trade, would get depressed and think about God and if I could ask him to help me help myself, what would it be like? And BAM, diabetes was the answer. God said, look you fat mother fucker, I am not going to miracle your ass into a pair of 34 inch narrow fit jeans, but I will give you a choice, you are gonna die one way or the other so you can lose the weight now and maybe add a decade to your miserable existence or you can have a major diabetes induced coronary oh say early next year.

Message received. AAAHHHHHHH-MEEEEEEEEENNNNNNN!

So i start taking these pills to lower my blood sugar and block some fat. I cut back on the food especially certain kinds and add gobs of apples and veggies and start exercising a bit because now I have a REALLY good reason. I'm on my exercise bike every night while watching TV and every night it just gets easier. I am kicking ass.

You understand, I have the exact same reasons to do all this I should have had before, but NOW I have some SERIOUS FUCKING motivation! Imminent death can do that to you. I have lost at least 20 pounds without trying and honestly feel that within a year's time, if I play my cards right and use my small C celebrity status to good effect or maybe join a church that I should be into some serious pun tang by this time next year.

Thank you, Jesus!

comments (7)

Water. Lots and lots of water. I'm serious. I dropped many many pounds by upping my water intake. Hallelujah, brother. :D

by skits at December 7, 2001 2:59 PM


funny thing is, i used to drink two liters a day minimum. before i was diagnosed i was up to a gallon a day and now...? I can't touch the stuff. I drink loads of diet pop but i cant hardly remmeber drinking a glass full of water in the last month.

I thought I loved water, just turns out i was a stinking diabetic.

by effenheimer at December 7, 2001 3:16 PM


I used to drink Mt. Dews (like 6 or 7 a day)...I had to wean myself off of them because I got sick when I tried cold turkey. Now I rarely ever drink pop. (btw... I grew up calling it pop, I think that's strictly a Midwest term, isn't it? No one else I know calls it that)

by wendy at December 7, 2001 4:17 PM


Mostly the Midwest, though my college roommate from Oregon also insisted on calling it pop, no matter how many times I told him that it made me terribly misparse all of his soda-related sentences.

While I'm at it, this graph is a neat little addition to the canon of pop vs. soda geographical quibbling.

by Antwon at December 7, 2001 5:58 PM


Very cool graph! I actually just moved here from Alabama and everyone there calls it coke. Now my speech is this weird hybrid of pop/coke/soda. I never know what I'm going to call it until it's out of my mouth.

by skits at December 7, 2001 7:38 PM


Oh eff I hope you do it! You deserve it, to be healthy and happy! Know what sucks? I just do not get it, why people think it is totally a weight issue! I mean too thin, too fat, if the person likes you then they have to like you for more than just your weight right? But of course what earth do I live on right? Sigh...it is just sad is all! I mean it has to be more of a "How I look at myself and my outlook on the world because of that" thing? You will do it, I am sure of it, I am pulling for ya, you deserve to get'ch'ya some bud!!!

by Pristine at December 7, 2001 8:11 PM


it is a weight thing because nobody, i mean NOBODY wants to fuck a fatty. i cannot say i blame them, it's gross. I do not take it personally. i take jokes and derision personally. don't get me wrong, i like big ladies but i have my upper limit as well and I believe i surpassed the old upper limir some time ago.

my personality is not anywhere close to making up for the lapse in physicaly beauty i am challenged with. which reminds me. time to post!

by eff at December 8, 2001 6:37 PM