how to: economize

by lizard at 03:12 AM on December 17, 2001

There's been all this talk of spending money to boost the economy, so I'm concerned that many of you may be feeling a bit strapped for cash (I know I am). Since I'm rather skilled at being broke, I've come up with some handy suggestions for stretching that buck.

First of all, there are things that should not be subject to budget cuts. Toilet paper, for instance -- unless you want to sandpaper your bum clean, you must spring for the good stuff. Same goes for other personal hygeine products: razors, for instance, can really hurt you if you don't have quality metal scraping across your tender skin. Other grooming products can be purchased at discount stores, if you know how to read labels and compare, but if you don't, well, my advice is, don't scrimp on those either. It takes a skilled bargain shopper to discern between a shampoo that will make your hair smell bad and possibly even fall out, and one that will give you a luxuriant mane. Can't be too careful with products that are used while you are naked and vulnerable in the shower.

So, there's technology -- surely we can cut back on our geeky expenditures. Let's start with the internet. How much are you paying for that crappy dial-up connection? Too much! For only about twice as much, you can have DSL. Remember, time is money. Think of all that time you waste waiting for things to load, or download. That's money, swirling down the virtual drain. Dump that dial-up and get a real connection right away. And while we're on the subject, remember, as mg mentioned in a previous post, computer memory is really inexpensive right now. Just think of all the money you'll save if you buy yourself a nice 256MB module right now, or even a 512! Hurry while it's still cheap.

Some of you may remember that I was cutting way back on my beer budget (it may have appeared that I was actually giving up beer, but what I meant was, giving up some beer). Not all beer. The important thing here is, quality over quantity. Do NOT for cryin' out loud go and get yourself a twelve pack of Natural Ice, just because it will get you drunk twice for five bucks. Good beer is worth the sacrifice, so make sure you buy something really delicious. I prefer the Guinness/Bass black and tan combination; while it may be a bit pricey, it's so worth it.

So, you may be wondering, if you can't cut back on hygeine, technology, or alcohol, (rent and utilities are more or less a given, we can't cut back there) how can you scale back your budgetary extravagances? My suggestion is, food. Top Ramen comes in many exciting flavors, and can be purchased for a couple bucks a case. Make sure and pick up some vitamins in the clearance bin, so you won't get scurvy or rickets, because Top Ramen is not big on nutritional value, however, you'll definitely get your maximum daily requirement of sodium and MSG, two very important nutrient groups. “But I'm sick of Top Ramen!” you say. Well, it is the holidays, so my advice is, go to people's houses around dinnertime and look hungry. It's the holidays! They have to feed you.

To sum it up, economizing is easy: just make sure you buy what you want, only quality stuff here, mind you, and when you run out of food, freeload! It works for me.