as cuddly as a cactus, as charming as an eel

by mg at 07:10 PM on December 18, 2001

It’s been a while since last we talked, old friend. In fact, it is only four days since last week spoke, though it seems like much longer. The four days since my last post has been the longest I’ve been away from you in three months. Did you miss my faithful companion?

Where was I? What have I been up to? What am I getting you for Christmas?

Well, it’s probably important to recap everything that’s been going on the last couple weeks, because otherwise, things wont make a terrible amount of sense. When last we spoke, I was just recovering from a tough weekend; Amanda and I broke up, I didn’t get the job I’d felt good about (and accounted for the only interview I’d been on in months), and my grandmother went into the hospital. All those things occurred in the matter of a couple days, and by themselves would be awful, but taking the rest of my fantastic year into account, they made up the topper on one sucktastic three-six-five.

Nothing much better has happened since then, but certainly nothing worse has happened, and right off, that makes the past week much better than any to have come before it in a long while.

When Amanda moved out to New York in August, the idea was that we’d take things slow and figure out if we really did want to get back together. That idea quickly went out the window like someone wanting to see butter fly, and we fell into the old routine quickly. Things weren’t bad, but they weren’t great. AS time wore on, however, we both came to realize things weren’t working out. We were both comfortable, but also both looking for something more than comfort, I can’t really explain it any more than that.

So, since Amanda finally found her own apartment and would be moving out of mine, she wanted to sit down, and have one of those state of the relationship type conversations. The state of the relationship is that there really wasn’t one.

Things were tense for a bit, especially considering she had a week between when we had the conversation and when she was actually going to move out, and though I knew things weren’t working out between us, and have expressed that to a lot of people, I had a hard time admitting that to her, especially considering I’m not sure if I can be just a “friend” and not a “boyfriend.”

I finally was able to admit that to myself, and to her, and things have been really good for the last couple days. Amanda is still living here until she gets back from vacation and moves into her new place, and it isn’t weird at all. We are friends, but there is also a bit of spark that wasn’t there before. Once thing settle down a bit, perhaps we can deal with the promise we’d made when she moved out here that we’d try being friends, and whatever happened would or wouldn’t. I think I’ll be fine either way.

My grandmother is still in the hospital, which sucks. A week ago, they had no idea what it was; anything from lupus, to TB (?!) to god knows what. Now, they have an idea what it is, and it isn’t that bad. I’ve visited her in the hospital a couple times and she is as ornery as ever. She may be sick, but she is a fighter, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Work. Work. Work. Work is a whole other stupid thing. I felt really down about that not getting that stupid job, which I didn’t want anyway. I think that was the worst thing; its like the bar right before closing time and going up to a girl because she is the only single female left and she turns you down even though she has split ends, a hump and a patch over one eye.

It was a sucky job that I didn’t want, but would have taken because I need it bad, and I still didn’t get it and it fucking pissed me off. I was really hoping to get this job, not even for the money (though I could use the money), but because having it would make this year not seem a total waste. Like my mule every time I see Rosie O’Donnell, all my problems would shrivel up and disappear if I could just find a job. Or at least that is the way I’m feeling right now.

But, I didn’t get it. Instead of being upset though, I decided to be happy about it. I didn’t really want it, and I’d probably have been miserable there, the same way I was with the Israelis. Not only decided to be happy about not getting the job, but decided to be happy with not having a job at all. Things would pick up whenever they picked up and I’d find the perfect job, be gloriously happy, make tons of money, and do something I love doing.

The wonderful thing about life is that it is full of more twists and turns than a room full of drunken lesbian belly dancers. Not more than several hours after making coming to terms with my employment situation, and only several minutes after coming to terms with Amanda, I get an email with a great opportunity in it. The next day, I get another email with another opportunity.

Nothing is finalized yet, so I don’t want to talk about it and jinx things, or get my hopes all up for nothing, but I’m feeling really positive. The minute I stopped being so depressed about not having a job, something falls in my lap. The minute I stop worrying about my “relationship” the minute things get all copasetic. If that isn’t a clue about the right way to live I don’t know what is.

I’m still waiting for 2001 to finally end; this has been the worst year ever. But if the past couple days are any indication, 2002 already looks to kick some serious ass. Only 13 days left in 2001, and I’m ready. Bring it on, bitch.