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osama

harry potter and the prisoner of afghanistan

by osama at 01:53 AM on November 20, 2001

As Salaam Alaikum. MG may not be working on his novel, but he is busy. He is actually getting on the old job hunt again. He told me he has so little money for staples like beer and food ramen noodles that, like in all those old Three Stooges movies where they are out in the desert, or on a life raft and Moe is so hungry that when he looks at Curley and Larry he sees a rack of lamb or a big roast chicken, respectively. Except, in MG’s case, when he looks at people he sees a giant slab of silken tofu and a bottle of Sam Adams.

Anyway, he is a little busy, so he asked me if I could come ‘round and do a little guest posting. The author situation is already pretty crowded around here, but since MG and I go way back, he made an exception for me. Isn’t that nice of him?

I told you what MG is up to, but you might be wondering what I’ve been up to. I haven’t quite been in the public eye as much as I was a couple months ago. I mean, there was a while there when I was the top story on the news every day. I was releasing new videos faster than Michael Jackson in the early eighties, and getting all sorts of product endorsements.

Where have I been all this time?

Well, you may assume, what with the Northern Alliance taking most of Afghanistan and the Taliban on the run (boy, did I pick a winner with those guys), that I’ve been hiding. But you’d be wrong, you negative nellies. I haven’t been hiding at all. I had something very important going on the last couple weeks, I was on line waiting for Harry Potter tickets.

There is only one movie theatre in Afghanistan, the United Artists Caveplex Odeon, so I didn’t have the luxury of choosing between any of the near 4,000 theatres showing the movie in the States. And since we don’t have telephones, I couldn’t just preorder the tickets on Movie Fone like you lazy infidels.

To ensure my families got tickets I queued up back in October, and boy am I glad I did. I was one of the first people on line. They let the first couple of us to queue up wait inside the cave, which is lucky, because the day before the movie opened, an Daisy Cutter fell outside the cave, killing or maiming everyone who had got in line later. It’s a shame really; those people could have died taking out a school bus full of Christian kindergarteners, plus, they never got to see Harry Potter

When the box office opened, I bought the tickets for my seven wives and forty-three children, and filed into the theatre. Lets just say that I was almost as excited to see the movie as the kids were. I remember the awe on the faces of all my dozens of children kids when I’d read them the books before bedtime.

But, I’ll join the bandwagon of people saying that the movie just didn’t have that same sense of wonder as the books. I don’t really know what I was expecting; the Sorcerer’s Stonewasn’t bad. I mean, it didn’t make me want to run out and blow up a building or anything, but coming out of the theatre I certainly didn’t have the buoyancy in my step of a man on his way to meet up with seventy virgins.

Maybe my expectations were too high, but I was a little disappointed. The movie was too true to the book, and since the book was so long, it was nearly impossible to fit everything into the movie without glossing over things. The characters didn’t get fleshed out, and everything seemed a little rushed. It’s strange to have a two and a half hour movie seem rushed, but it was. Not that I would want the movie to be any longer; the Taliban lost three more cities just in the time I was in the theatre.

The special effects were great, but there were some things I just couldn’t believe. Sure, it was only a movie and I know all about suspension of disbelief. But there were just some things in the movie that didn’t make sense. I can buy magic, flying brooms and three-headed dogs, but women in school? Whatever.

As much as the movie didn’t live up to expectations, it certainly exceeded expectations for ticket sales. Here in Afghanistan, Harry Potter broke the record for highest grossing opening weekend ever. The movie grossed 218 camels, 179 horses, and 63 pre-teen brides. I read in Muhammad Ebert’s column the Kabul Tribune that the movie will probably break the record for highest grossing film ever, Lawrence of Right Down the Block.

Now, some of my kids want to go see it again. I’ll send them with one of their moms, but I’m not interested. While I don’t want to go see the movie again, I’ll buy the DVD as soon as it comes out. I’m sure all the extras will fulfill my expectations make me love the movie more than the movie itself did. I really can’t wait for the DVD to come out. I also can’t wait to get a DVD player, a TV, and electricity in my hut.

comments (12)

Genius. :D

by skits at November 20, 2001 12:07 PM


osama, i'm so glad you posted this review because now i can go to the movie knowing exactly what to expect. not like i want to be surprised or anything. hey - you've got a talent for this. maybe when the war's over, you can get your own movie review tv show... or just a blog, they're the new thing over here. i'm betting your traffic would be da bomb.

by bornfamous at November 20, 2001 12:08 PM


Oh the possibilities... This Osama bin Laden fellow could be the next big thing in Hollywood. I can see it now:

"Survivor: Afghanistan" - Immunity challenges, tribal councils, voting people out of the cave. Oh, the drama!

"Osama web cam" - One Osama, a dozen wives. $14.95 a month. 24 hour live streaming video.

"The Taliban Meets The Jetson Movie" - Yabba dabba doooo!

by eviltom at November 20, 2001 4:39 PM


Sorceror's Stone...sheesh, I never got this. They think Americans are too stupid to understand what a Philosopher is?

by Mike at November 20, 2001 6:34 PM


Americans are too stupid to understand what a Philosopher is! HAhah!

by Osama at November 20, 2001 6:47 PM


you know, osama, for an arab, you can't say "hello" in arabic too well...

by minja ninjarama at November 20, 2001 11:00 PM


Hey, if that many people around the world were speaking ill of me and calling for my head on a platter, I probably wouldn't be Captain Vocab either....

by Antwon at November 21, 2001 12:45 AM


Praise to Allah!

All this time I thought you were in the Hamptons!

Did you know that the author of "Harry Potter" is a women....You may want to think twice about that.

Women are dirty, have no talent but to have babies, etc.....(Taliban Speak)..

by toxiclabrat at November 21, 2001 5:45 PM


put fucking pictures in you bastards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

by at November 5, 2002 3:53 PM


I have to Get 6 tickets to Harry Potter and The Prisoder of Azkaban-movie! To London! Where I can get those?!?!?!?!
I'm from Finland an HELP ME! Mail to me!!!!!!!!!

by Hermione Granger at January 20, 2004 9:49 AM


You have some really cool stuff at your site. I'm sure gonna come back here. thins that excited you at 14: http://www.bethedealer.com , black girls on their mission

by Jonathan Chapman at October 15, 2005 7:49 PM


Stop ruining the good name of Harry Potter with this nonsense! I'm a really dark wizard and I can defeat all of you! I am the greatest wizard ever, I can defeat you all! You guys are nothing compared to me! HAHAHAH!

by Elmo at March 6, 2006 10:42 PM