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I Am *So* Stupid
by lizard at 01:44 AM on August 10, 2001
(subtitle: possibly the most expensive pack of smokes in history)
I should start by noting that I quit smoking in the end of '99, stayed that way for oh, a good year or so, then I was downtown, drinking, and I bought a pack of these delicious vanilla flavored cigarettes. For awhile I smoked only when drinking (that is, frequently but not all the time), then I got to where it's pretty regular. I don't take smoke breaks at work or smoke in my car. But I smoke.
So I was running out of smokes, and the only place they carry them is downtown. I leave the house, thinking, ok, I'll get gas on the way. I get to Main Street and traffic is horribly backed up, and the light is flashing red. Oh yeah, this must be all that detour traffic from that idiot having a standoff on the freeway (one of those typical, Southern California chases we have all the time). So, I'm slick - I know this town, I used to drive a taxi here. I zip up the alley behind the Falafel Hut and zag down a couple quiet little streets and there I am on a nice, clear street that runs straight downtown, along the edge of the foothills. I'm cruising, I'm cranking the tunes, I'm singing. I'm *stupid*.
Car starts to choke about ten, twelve blocks from my destination. I nurse it, coax it, pump the pedal, scream at the slow bastard who's gotten in front of me on the theory that *ten bloody miles per hour* is not the optimum speed for good mileage out of that last tablespoon of fuel. Three blocks away, I make my left turn and coast down the hill - whee! - and hit the red light, losing my momentum. The car chugs along two more blocks, dies at a red light. One block from the gas station. One. Lousy. Block.
There are many cops downtown, it's the County Fair. Two of them are parked right across the street, standing around talking. I have my blinkers on and I am standing by the open door of my car. I hesitate, thinking maybe they will offer a little assistance - after all, the car's a Buick, and I am a girl, and well...they don't. But I discover I can push a Buick! It's not even very difficult! Yay me! I pull the car into a red zone and leave it, flashing, thinking, bastards better not give me a ticket. Yes, I am starting to get a little pissy at this point.
I acquire a gas can (one gallon) and fill it ineptly. I pour some of it on myself, some on the side of the car, but most in the tank. I try to start it. Shit. Maybe that's not enough gas? I go back for one more gallon. This time the can is much heavier, I am getting better at this. Must be enough gas now. I try to remember all the advice I've ever heard about starting cars that have been out of gas. I pump it, I floor it, I hold it halfway down (this was suggested to me last time I was out of gas by the tow truck driver). It worked then, but it's not working now. I try and try, and finally the car starts to protest, having had most of its battery juice drained. I call Triple A. I go to the liquor store and buy my precious cigarettes, a large energy drink, and three cans of Fosters, because I feel stress coming on and beer is a coping skill.
The tow truck driver shows up, tries to start it, looks under the hood, looks at the gas tank, says maybe it wasn't enough gas for the fuel pump. He puts five more gallons in and tells me, worst case scenario, I burned up the fuel pump trying to start it while it was dry. He attaches jumper cables to provide power and tries to start it some more, and yes you guessed it, the fuel pump is toast. The fuel pump is in the gas tank, and the gas tank must be dropped in order to replace the fuel pump. Most expensive of the possible outcomes.
We drop the car at my regular mechanic's, tow truck driver asks do I have anyone picking me up? I put on my brave little trooper face and say, ‘I'll walk, it's not far’. Usually, at this point, truck driving male-type persons say, oh I can take you. Not this one. Maybe the face I made was too brave. So I pick up my bag containing some one hundred ounces of liquid in four large containers (and the cigarettes - let's not forget those damn cigarettes) and head home. It's about a mile, the distance you can walk in the time it takes to wait for a taxi. Did I mention it's a paper bag? The condensation on the cold contents of the bag cause it to pretty much disintegrate on the way home, and the effort of holding them all tight to my chest puts all the strain on my lower back, so that by the time I get home, my back muscles are screaming at me.
I am *so stupid*.
comments (16)
Ouch.
Well, kd, if it makes you feel any better, I once locked my keys the car.
With the engine running.
For two hours.
by space at August 10, 2001 8:57 AM
And I once... um...
I have no analogous story. I got nothing. Sorry. Y'all are just stupid.
by snaggle at August 10, 2001 10:00 AM
OMG LMAO here! Well if it helps, I had an "ex" who once came over to my house one eve and just THOUGHT that locking his keys in his car was going to help him stay over!!! HAHAHAHA I called a lock smith and it cost him $50 bucks to get his keys out b/c he only thought he would be able to break into his car...THE NEXT day of course...haha So he left that eve (thank GOD) and started to get the picture that the interest level was not the same for the both of us!
by Pristine at August 10, 2001 12:54 PM
I once locked my keys in my car two mornings in a row. The second time, it was running. Sitting at a gas pump, running. Do you know my employer had the nerve not to believe my story? Who would make up something that lame?
by kd at August 10, 2001 8:42 PM
Aw...I've ben through sevral similar things in my life. Never realized you could actually ruin a fuel pump if it was empty, though. Do you know if the same is true for German cars? I'm lucky, because I have this great retro tutonic gas gage that has measurements for every 1/s liter...so I never get too low no matter how stupid I am.
Falafel Hut! Hahahaha
by Charles at August 10, 2001 10:00 PM
Damn...I really need to start reading what I type before posting it. Spell check, any one?
by Charles at August 10, 2001 10:01 PM
What i have learned from these mistakes, aside from not procrastinating putting gas in the car, is this: many modern cars have the fuel pump in the gas tank. You can tell this by putting the key in the on position without starting the car, & walk around to the place where your gas tank is, you will hear the little motor. When there is no liquid to pump, it becomes despondent and kills itself. I also learned that seemingly reputable mechanics will mark up the parts by 116%, then when you confront them, they tell you you can bring your own parts but they will not guarantee the labor. Wtf? I bought the parts suggested by the tow truck driver, had them installed by an underpaid taxi mechanic in his spare time, and saved well over two hundred dollars.
Oh and also I should most likely quit smoking again.
by kd at August 10, 2001 10:51 PM
car repair and maintainance are so mysterious, aren't they?
i have an aversion to spending money on gas, so my habit is to wait until i cannot risk one more excursion with the amount of gas i have remaining. i believe that when the needle is on "E", there is still plenty of fuel left. i haven't been proven wrong yet, but this practice makes my husband go berserk. he claims that when you pull gas from the bottom of the tank, it is mixed with dirt and it clogs the pump, line and injectors, but i think he made that up. we usd to have a car with a deisel engine, and his story at that time was that if you ran out of gas, it would pull air into the fuel line and it would be a big hassel to bleed it out. i always try to get a car that has a little fuel pump that lights up on the instrument panel. when that goes on, your good for another 25.
by bobthecorgi at August 12, 2001 7:46 PM
Ay, but there's the rub...I have noticed or learned, lately, that the gas gauge will go stark empty, then when you are at the last vestiges of fuel, the suction/pressure/whatever will cause the gauge to rise, just a bit. Last two times I ran out of gas I had a reading *over* the empty. In my current Buick, ‘full’ is a place about almost a quarter measure to the left of the ‘f’ mark...& therefore one would conclude that ‘empty’ happens well before ‘e’ is reached...a dangerous illusion. Best to cast aside one's laziness and just *get gas* lest one then find oneself spending some one hundred sixty dollars on repairs as a result.
by kd at August 13, 2001 1:49 AM
I have a wonderful car. However, he's a newer car (newer than my last anyway, which isn't hard, my last car was an '81), and he has a main computer chip. The main computer chip burned out. He wouldn't start. No one could figure out why. He was out of commission for 5 weeks, waiting for a new part for 3 of them. Now the idle is messed up, and I'm eating gas like nothing else. Which reminds me. I need to go get gas.
by SwingCheese at August 13, 2001 3:10 PM
We used the new pumps at a Shelll service station and by mistake put into our van diesel fuel instead of regular gasoline. Do you know of anyone else who has made this mistake-ours was to the tune of $1230.00 Thanks
by william neisel at May 1, 2003 10:36 AM
damn sounds like yawl are just shit outta luck..lmao..
by ThatGurl at November 7, 2003 8:43 AM
You should quit smoking and drinking. Maybe what happen to you was a sign to stop doing bad things and to get your act together.
by amberleah at November 19, 2003 7:12 PM
Thank you so much for your entertaining description of an event which sounds, unfortunately, like many we must experience in life's jocular journey. The good news is that you were no more than inconvenienced and you still have all your limbs and, for that matter, you don't yet have cancer!! The really good news is that you got your smokes. As they say with a smirk, we are a dieing breed and I say that we should then stick together! Enjoy your smokes and (this is also advice to myself) try to see these life experiences with humor. After all, we could instead be in a refugee camp in, say, Sudan, and that would truly suck!
by none of your business at July 22, 2004 9:30 PM
we fucking know dumb bitch
by andrew mast at July 11, 2006 5:02 PM
This justhappened on Labor day 2007. My daughter just moved to Georgia from california. She had 1/2 tank of fresh gasoline in the tank when she went to fill it up. She inadvertently put 7 allons of DIESEL fuel in her car.
My daughter claims that her pump only had one hose coming from it, and the pump will deliver both gasoline and diesel from the same hose. She did not know that she put diesel in the car. her receipt did say diesel, so she may have made the mistake.
Her car stopped in about 1 mile. The car was towed to the nearest Hyundai dealership. After diagnosis, the tank was dropped and cleaned. The next day, thetank was re-installed and fresh fuel was added. The injectors and induction system was cleaned.
The car now runs like a champ again.
by Jessie Ramsey at September 6, 2007 2:43 PM