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How To: Treat Your Woman
by lizard at 11:25 PM on August 22, 2001
I've figured it out. The reason my sex life sucks (and not well) is the availability. It's always there, always willing and ever eager, forever the nice guy. How the hell am I supposed to want that? Who wants a nice guy? Not a sick chick, I assure you. So I've developed these guidelines to help men understand the ways to a sick chick's heart:
Be a jerk. Be standoffish, be aloof, make it clear your true interests lie elsewhere, and that she must work for your affection. Only compliment her in a backhanded way, as in, ‘You did a pretty good job on the kitchen, for a slob’. Keep a stack of porno mags by the bed and start flipping through them whenever she makes any efforts to seduce you, implying she's inadequate to the task of exciting you.
Do not, for cryin' out loud, act like you're happy to see her when she gets home. The one thing that will put her off the whole concept of sex is you greeting her like a big, goofy, crotch-sniffing Irish Setter. Don't give her that unconditional love and lust, telling her how hot she is in spite of the fact that she's gained five pounds, or even ten. Don't tell her how much you appreciate her body for the temple of pleasure it is. Don't nuzzle her neck and offer her endless cunnilingus. Instead, try this approach: ‘Gimme head, beeyotch’.
Other key phrases to keep her coming back for more: ‘Where's my dinner?’ (especially useful if she's just come home from a hard day's work). ‘Got any money? I lost mine at the track.’ ‘Are you going to wear *that*? It makes your butt look huge!’ Don't forget to leave the toilet seat up, especially at night when you've got her trained to go in the dark, lest the bathroom fan disturb your sleep. Leave your dirty clothes wherever you drop them, and avoid working for a living if at all possible - it uses up the energy you'll need to keep your woman in line.
Sure, you could go for a healthy relationship with one of those empowered, independent women, but why? Just follow these simple guidelines and you will achieve levels of dysfunction beyond your wildest dreams.
comments (34)
LOL
by Lilly at August 23, 2001 6:05 AM
Lilly, are you a sick chick too? Is that how I need to treat you? And all this time I've been being sensitive, witty, caring, open... shit. I've been being gay. Well, that explains why you've been refusing my advances.
by snaggle at August 23, 2001 10:03 AM
Hmmm... well, sick chicks love challenges, so being gay would not necessarily be a turnoff. We *prefer* impossible men.
by kd at August 23, 2001 11:57 AM
By impossible I assume you don't mean "deliberately misunderstanding for the sake of their own amusement." If women prefered that, I'd be beating them off with a stick instead of . . .go ahead, finish the joke yourselves.
by space at August 23, 2001 3:30 PM
Well, Space, you're probably hanging out with too many normal women, then. Sick chicks expect you to amuse yourself at their expense - they thrive on it.
by kd at August 23, 2001 3:49 PM
Yeah, I'd expect a woman to come up with some shit like that. You might as well write about going and crying to your fucking mama, because it's the same damned thing, wench! Sounds like somebody needs to spank that ass and put you in your place.
by Charles at August 23, 2001 9:22 PM
Oh, I do need a good spanking.
by kd at August 23, 2001 9:48 PM
Ok KD so thats what it is, I am too freaking NORMAL? LOL Laughing my (un) spanked ass off here!!!!
by Pristine at August 24, 2001 9:58 AM
I have been refusing your advances, Snags, because you *are* gay, not because you're gayer than Christmas. Silly rabbit, Tricks are for kids. :-)
by Lilly at August 24, 2001 2:07 PM
*Hello* are gay guys not the hottest? They are. You can talk about Fashion Police issues and any other bitchy topic that comes up. Very hot & very unattainable which equals very hot. I think I might just be a fag hag. Go figure.
by kd at August 25, 2001 3:39 AM
now that we have the space/Swing thing ironed out, I'm starting to wonder if I am not actually kd (or she is me). If I'm you, kd, does that mean I get to use that cool licence plate?
now, where do you join the spanking queue?
by suey at August 25, 2001 5:16 AM
If you need extra spankers in here I'd be happy to help out, there seems to be quite a queue growing.
by Mikey at August 25, 2001 9:55 AM
Or the best way forwards if both members of the couple a bit sick is very good to each other, but occasionally bring in a friend and spank them both. Keeps 'em on their toes:)
by discarded at August 29, 2001 9:05 AM
you people discust me. girls like to be treated like shit. it keeps them wondering. if you are all nice to them, they will walk all over you and eventually out the door to your best friend who is the dickheads arms. try it and see.
by fuck off at April 1, 2003 8:36 PM
Hey people... the fact is everyone is a tad different... there needs to be a day-at-a-time experience going on in which you intuitively have to "read" what's necessary... sometimes it is a good whipping the bitch needs... sometimes the contrary... but one thing is certain: ALL women, bitches, sluts, and ladies should sell their sex... at least long enough to realize 100 to 250K per year tax/risk free... working is for the fucking birds... have a great day, and great lifestyle - Stephen
by Steve at July 11, 2003 6:15 AM
And another thing... I've added my email in the url space just for women who want to snap out of the bullshit regarding the square life and make this world kiss their ass. Do not respond unless you desire to follow up and turn this page in life. I have no time nor tolerance for bullshit - Stephen
by Stephen at July 11, 2003 6:30 AM
OK... that didn't work either. so screw it, here's my cell number: 214-952-6724 Always refer to me as "Stephen" when calling. Only call to meet in person, I will not discuss business or anything else via telephone. I am located in Nashville Tennessee.
by Stephen at July 11, 2003 6:34 AM
finaly someone who knows and shows the true meaning of being a woman.
for men on hating woman check out my url
by sasjaix at July 19, 2003 2:20 PM
women r full of shit, what they need is a good fuck to keep them in check.
by skyhigh at September 8, 2003 4:53 PM
Yea, it's true, make sure you turn that bitch down more than she does you. You'll actually get it more in the long run. And don't ever, ever, believe she's got a headache.
by jbob at November 22, 2003 3:46 AM
I loved your site and your insight.Your like a Tom Likus of the iternet but only really hot.
by Jaime Valenten Segura at November 6, 2004 9:14 PM
well i just wish i could tame my dream girl i might just batter her with ma ten inch cock ;-)
by Stephen at April 3, 2005 9:49 PM
well i just wish i could tame my dream girl i might just batter her with ma ten inch cock ;-)
by Stephen at April 3, 2005 9:50 PM
You men who have written all those nasty comments are complete selfish arrogant pigs who will never find the woman of your dreams and keep her without changing your ways, mark my words!! I'm one of those girls who guys dream about, so i tell you that we girls internally hate your behaviour and would never settle for it unless desperate. So understand that we have one asswhole, we don't need another one. Wize-up grow up, cause for now you're all behaving like little boys.
by Valarie at March 8, 2006 1:56 PM
I can't believe you used the phrase 'mark my words'. I instantly imagined an old hag waving her finger in my face, uh... my mother, in fact. Mom, s'that you?
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at March 8, 2006 2:22 PM
lol well keep acting the way you do and you will end up with one of those, gerk!
by Valarie at March 8, 2006 2:41 PM
I don't suppose a gerk is a handsome rarity in men, a dashing debonair, kind, compassionate, caring? If so you're right, I am that. And if you're a willing old hag then I am indeed your willing handsome rarity, dashing debonair, kind, compassionate, caring young man. You should be rich of course.
I have no objections to fingers in my face, but dinner should be served at exactly five pm and the television and PC are off limits until I'm bored with them, after that they're fair game... but no talking while I'm engaged with either. If I'm doing one but am thinking about doing the other, it still counts as you pushing in on the off limits equipment if you sit down at the one I'm not doing at the time. So I should I either be sleeping or dead, before you can get a turn on either. Feel free to have clean around the house you'd probably own as I am entertained though. I like the left side of the bed, but if I do slide a little into the middle, thus pushing you off the mattress, you can only complain if you didn't get any sex before falling asleep.
I'd rock your world... huggles you when you're feeling down, ignore you when you're being dramatic, even tell you your bum is saucily alluring in even the most hideous attire. You'd be head over heels... mark my words! ;)
-- Or did you mean jerk? If so then, nyah... I'll save my loving affectations for a woman with impeccable word selection, one with a less offensive mouth, t'would be sweeter to taste.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at March 8, 2006 6:45 PM
the sweetest girl has a big mouth when she needs to stand up for herself, and if she doesn't well then, she's certainly lacking some confidence in herself...pretty sad, if you ask me... but that's just me, right? old fashion...huh? Obviously the modern women would put up with it all and shut her mouth while you rag about keeping quiet cause you're busy on your computer...while she's cleaning your house.
by Valarie at March 8, 2006 10:38 PM
Aah owning my own home... heh... that's pretty funny. The house would most certainly be yours, at least until we married. I'm a 21st century vagabond. Just well dressed so, don't imagine a tramp, I'm not a bum. Well, at least not in the begging for money sporting rags and a skin complexion complimented by layers of dirt, sense of the word bum.
I like a gal with a sharp tongue, but to hold my attention she'd have to do better than jerk. If she isn't making me laugh while she's insulting me, by using some classics... then I'd sooner sit in silence. Classics include all words that don't sound so bad when you add a cute word after them, but do if you don't. Like cunt! *hisses* But if you say cunt balloon... cunt kitten... cunt spoon... me thinks they're classic, funny insults.
It'd never work though, you and me... by your third comment I suspected you were a completely different person using the name of the original poster. There goes the trust, so if you're not rich, bah, we have no future together. Goodbye my loooovveeeee. {:o(
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at March 9, 2006 7:11 AM
same girl all three times honey, don't get ahead of yourself there
by valarie at March 10, 2006 4:11 AM
...you know what though, you're right, we'd never work... i never liked you to begin with. As for the money. Ha. I'd find someone who deserved to share in it, not someone i'd have to mother my whole life, which sounds like your fantasy lady would do for ya. Good-bye darlin!
by Valarie at March 10, 2006 4:20 AM
Huh? Heh, who have you been reading? I don't need a mother, I need a wealthy, witty, loyal nymphomaniac.
Bah. I'm feeling this profound loss so deeply it's difficult to breathe. *sucks thumb*
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at March 10, 2006 10:04 AM
Valerie...you go girl!
by Ali at August 11, 2006 3:50 AM
The author of this thread wrote about being a jerk and how to get to a woman. Gee no wonder American men want to marry Asian hos. I do think the author was probably being sarcastic. However you would be surprised as to how many fucked up women exist in this country.
However the women in places such as Australia, Asia, South America, Mexico and even most of Europe really appreciate NICE MEN. So guys stay away from the crazy bithes in this country and go where you will be happier
One more thing foreign women are much much much better lovers than the ones in The US. I think this stems from the fact that American women as a whole are very self serving and are completely focused on how good the man is in bed. Well American ladies most of you don't even deserve a D in the sack....
So my fellow American self serving hos try working on your skills as a lover because God knows most of you need it.
by Harry at November 9, 2006 2:01 AM