« Samaritan Stud de la Semana | Main | Alcohol + Drawing on People = A Good Time »
For Love or Money
by lizard at 10:15 PM on August 08, 2001
If you are in a relationship, you will fight. If you do not fight, then there is something horribly wrong, some awful unspoken thing that no one dares arouse from its silent rest. No matter how compatible you are, no matter how many wonderful things you have in common, no matter how crazy in love you are, there will, from time to time, be differing opinions. Whether you handle them constructively or otherwise, you get them out in the open, wrestle around with them, then when you're done, wrestle around with each other to make up.
There are many things to fight about. Sex, in-laws, friends, annoying bad habits, movies, books, politics, religion... the list goes on ad infinitum. Statistically, however, the thing you are most likely to fight about is money. I imagine you could fight about having too *much* money, which i theorize might go something like this: “Honey, let's get a BMW.” “Are you insane, woman? The Mercedes is the far superior automobile.” “Aww, honey, let's just get one of each!” “Oh, I do love you.” (fade to black as they fall into one another's arms.) Hey, this could happen, right?
It's far more likely that the source of discord is the *lack* of enough money. Add to this, different views on the distribution of this paucity of funds, and you have the fuel for some really heated and only partially rational discourses on the relative importance of each other's needs and wants, and even whether these things are truly needs, or merely wants. Nothing will ever seem fair. Take this conversation (please): “Here, can you pay these?” (hands her the light bill, the cable bill, the phone bill, and the gas bill). “I'll be flat broke! I just spent a hundred bucks on groceries!” “I'll get you some money. But these things need to be paid”. (She grudgingly accepts the small handful of remittance envelopes and he goes off to work while she sulks, because she is too tired to argue this time.)
What he doesn't realize is *this isn't fair*. He never feels the monthly pain of the car insurance bill or the semi-monthly agony of the car payment (moral: don't let your credit go to hell, you will end up owing your worthless life to the Ugly Duckling Credit Corporation to keep decent wheels under you). Yet, certainly he feels the comfort when his wide white behind slips into those sweet leather seats and he fires up that big Buick powerplant. She pays these things constantly, without complaint, without even a comment. When she traded in his wretched little broken-down micro-truck for this quality family-oriented automobile (for cryin' out loud, we didn't even all fit in the tiny wobbly truck-ette at once!), she was doing him a big favor, in spite of his objections. Couldn't he just enjoy the ride, and handle the annoying little utilities on his own?
Apparently, no.
(She apologizes for whining and thanks you for listening.)
comments (7)
You are right, if there's no fighting there's just something . . . wrong. I dated my ex for 9 years and we never had a fight. Not one. Nada. But hey, we split up. We did actually have an argument once. She was miffed about something, and knew I was a fan of the photographer Paul Strand. So instead of insulting me, she passive-agressively made a dispariging comment to the effect that she felt strand to be overrated and derivitive. This got me mad, because I knew she was insulting ME. It lasted about an hour. LOL only undergraduate art students could have such an exchange.
Denise and I fight a LOT. The sure sign of a healthy relationship. Not about money, though. We're lucky I guess to have - well maybe not tons of money- but enough to get by and pay our bills and such. We do the whole communal thing. I hand my paycheck over like a Japanese husband. This makes it somewhat easier. D is a total obsessive/compulsive control freak. She makes out these complex budgets and I stay out of it for the most part. Ironically she's a very poor money manager - but we make enough to compensate for her budgets that never work. I think it just makes her feel better to make them.
It is a tough issue. How you divide expenses and combine income is just such an individual thing. I have friends who are married and still keep seperate accounts and spilt everything 50/50. And it is hard because everyone has different priorities. She may think that a monthly manicure, pedicure, and hairstyle is a necessity - he may think snapping up a quarter of that red hair sensi at a good price is. That is just an example, of course. Complete fiction - nothing to do with my own personal life.
kd...maybe next time he feels like a little of that sweet kd loving you should tell him you aren't in the mood because you're worried about that light bil hint hint. Nah...just a suggestion, really just a joke. But you know, everyone usually figures out some way to work these things out. Perhaps he should try the Japanese way...seems like if you're paying for everything he should be giving you most of his earnings, no? I don't know, I don't have any really good ideas - as I said it's so personal, so everyone has to figure out what works for them. Hope he's at least putting gas in the car :)
by Charles at August 9, 2001 1:09 AM
Charles has it going! I would go one step further...hehehe...all of a sudden become so absent minded to FORGET that light bill a few times! Let him deal with it! (make sure you make plans to be out of the house the day they shut them babies off though!) When he gets home and has no lights maybe he will think? But then again you know if he is being a snit about the "have TO" bills he would probably go somewhere and not even have them turned back on...ok bad plan...I guess being alone has it's advantages! (I will shut up now....haha)
by Pristine at August 9, 2001 1:32 AM
well, the thing is, owner/operators of taxis don't get paychecks - & there have been many problems with the whole taxi thingy, which is usually a good livelihood & one he enjoys, but has recently caused some financial setbacks. i have the steady check, & the steady bills. i also only just got full time after a lengthy internship, & i have a lot of unfulfilled technological needs. i *did* have a little disposable income this payday, but i disposed of it quickly to replace my over-a-year-old cell phone. *sigh*
by kd at August 9, 2001 1:36 AM
no lights? no computer? aaarrrrrgh!
by kd at August 9, 2001 1:37 AM
well, alpha and i fight nearly daily. actually, often it's not a fight, just an annotated list of my shortcomings. a real fight, weekly maybe. but you're right, kd, i guess it's healthier to fight than for everything to go quiet and cold and not give a shit anymore. this reminds me of that website, "things my girlfriend and i have fought about".
bill paying, well. isn't it common for women to do that? i couldn't handle it. as i type this, my wife is off at the bank paying bills and switching funds between various accounts to avoid us being overdrawn after our vacation, which turned out to be more expensive than we'd planned. i know i am extremely thankful that she takes care of that. it is more practical, since banking hours are very restrictive here in austria, i work full-time and would have to take time off from work to get to the bank, while she works part-time (and still manages to earn more than i do). but i know that even if she worked full-time, it would be her doing the finances...
by miguel at August 9, 2001 2:30 AM
Miguel,
I think it's common for the woman to handle the finances in many parts of the world - but some men in the US have a kind of macho control issue with it.
Also - vacations are ALWAYS more expensive than you plan :)
by Charles at August 9, 2001 10:52 PM
Kd....
No lights, no computer, lots o' wine and MG's Candles....see there COULD be a good side to this right? haha
by Pristine at August 10, 2001 2:15 AM