and you say i only hear what i want to (part two)

by mg at 10:46 AM on August 07, 2001

The last bit I’d left you with was that Amanda (my ex-girlfriend), had found a job in New York City, and decided not to take. Or rather, was leaning very heavily toward not taking it. Everything was perfect about the situation but because things were so uncertain between us, she didn’t want to uproot her life to come out here.

Considering that she has always wanted to live in New York and always wanted to work at a place like she’d be working, it seemed, at least from her perspective, that things between us weren’t uncertain at all. I got the impression she was certain she didn’t want to move out here and give our relationship another chance.

She had to make the decision about whether to accept the job or not, and we spent the entire day talking. And talking. And then doing some more talking. I’m not going to get into everything we talked about. I share a lot on this site, but I have to respect her privacy, and really, the conversation may have been emotionally draining but it is probably not all that interesting to anyone but her and I.

As mentioned, out talk was just emotionally draining. And it literally took the entire day. As soon as she woke up in the morning she called her parents, and a couple of her close friends to ask their advice, but after that, her and I just talked. We talked about things that went wrong the first time, about our fears, and about our expectations of whatever relationship we might have in the future.

It turns out her problem with the relationship is the same as mine. We are both stuck on this one little thing. Okay, I guess love isn’t such a little thing. While I know we both still love each other, I don’t know if either of us is really “in love.” I guess if you don’t know whether you are in love, then you aren’t. But so much has happened, and so much time has passed, that any real electricity between us has pretty much disappeared. That isn’t to say that there still isn’t a spark, because there is.

Which was my argument for her to stay. She obviously feels something for me, and I know I feel something for her. And whatever that something is, it is something beyond just the comfort of an old friend or the reminiscing of old memories and feelings.

But Amanda didn’t want to uproot her life for something she wasn’t sure about. She did that with the asshole she originally dumped me for. She moved to a whole other country for him, and things turned out so remarkably badly. She claims that throughout all the time we were broken up, she always had the thought in the back of her mind that we would eventually get back together.

Now, faced with the reality of being together again, she was balking. She is afraid of moving out here and having things turn out badly. Afraid of hurting me again. She didn’t want to come out here unless she was absolutely sure. We were both in this conundrum of wanting to be together and trying, whole heartedly, to make things work, and trying to keep our distance, not wanting to be hurt ourselves, or of taking the chance we might hurt each other.

But, life is about taking chances, isn’t it?

The day came and went, and there was still no definitive decision about whether she would stay or go. By this point, about 10 hours had passed since we had started talking. We didn't leave the house the entire day and had just smoked the last of our communal pack of cigarettes.

Amanda took this opportunity to get out of the house. She needed to get some cigarettes. She wanted to take a walk. I let her go out alone. The short walk to the store and back would give us both some time to think things through alone, on our own. We’d come back together and really have the answer that had alluded us all day and for the past couple years.

But I already knew the answer. Things may not have been the best between us when we broke up. And lots of horrible things happened in the time since then. But we are together, in some strange capacity, now; there is no denying that. If we do not have time together, we will never be able to get on with our lives. And, if things are going to work out, we actually have to be living in the same time zone. It seems pretty clear to me.

But Amanda needs a sign. She needs passion, electricity, fireworks, and fire. So, what do I do with my time? I run to the closet, grab my bag of tea-light candles, and set some up on the floor spelling out the word “STAY.” I light the candles as quickly as possible, knowing that she will be back at any second. When Amanda walks through the door, she sees about 30 candles, sitting on the living room floor, with the answer; "STAY."

It was, for her, the sign she needed.