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mg

and you say i only hear what i want to

by mg at 01:02 PM on August 05, 2001

Well, I dropped Amanda, my ex-girlfriend, at the Newark, New Jersey airport yesterday afternoon. She had been staying with me for the past month, trying to figure out what the hell is up between us. She has also been looking for a job here in New York.

A couple weeks ago, she was offered a job, which she turned down. At the time, I took it as a sign, not of any dislike of her job situation, but of the fact she didn’t want to give whatever sort of strange relationship we’ve got going right now a chance. I was really pissed off for a while, but we talked, got through that, blah blah blah. It was just like an episode of Mad About You.

Last week, she was offered another job. This one was much better. Higher pay, more hours, and a more stable environment. Surely, if Amanda wanted to give this relationship a chance, she would take the job. Even is she didn’t want to take the job, as someone who’s dream it is to teach English as a Second Language should jump at the chance to take this job. And did I mention that Amanda has always wanted to live in New York City? She has.

Amanda’s move to New York was conditional upon a) finding a great job, b) living in a great city, and c) wanting to make things work with her ex-boyfriend, me.

She found a great job. And New York is still New York. So why, after she found out she got the job, was she still balking at taking it?

It’s me, isn’t it? It’s all about me, right?

Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here. I’m not some put-upon man, completely innocent of sin, and still pining for a lost love. I’m not like those battered ladies who go on Oprah and Sally Jesse Raphael who always get asked by the audience why they still stay with their abusive man, and all they can say is because “I love him.”

Amanda and I had our troubles when we were together. And while my transgressions were not quite on as grandiose a scale as hers, they were still transgressions. You all think I’m some perfect angel, incapable of error, but I’m just as human and fallible as the next guy.

So, I can see why, possibly, Amanda would be scared to come out here. Even at our best of times, there would still be the occasional little squabbles. That is pretty natural, but when you are getting ready to move half way ‘round the country to be near someone, you want some assurance of squabble-freeness, not to mention a certain passion that had been lacking.

Sure, it is possible that Amanda’s trouble making the decision had nothing to do with me. Maybe she is scared to leave her family. Maybe she is scared of moving to New York, since New York can be one hell of a scary place for a girl from a small Midwestern town of 400 people. Maybe she is scared about starting a new job, because failure, or deciding this isn’t really what she wants, throws a monkey wrench in her whole life plan.

There are a lot of reasons she may be feeling a little hinky about moving out here. But to me, I’m the only reason that matters.

cont...

comments (10)

i have this strong urge to make comforting noises in your general direction, i wish they could be words but i'm a little short on those. i know it hurts like hell, & all i can do is express my hopes that this particular episode of hurt gives you some closure.

by kd at August 5, 2001 1:42 PM


you're human?...

and fallible?...

well that's my whole day ruined

Seriously, mg, I am very sorry that things haven't worked out better for you and Amanda. Sometimes you wonder whether relationships are worth the pain, but we all keep trying. I hope you start to feel better soon.

by suey at August 5, 2001 7:46 PM


longest comment in the world:

ok...when these things happen, & they do, i personally rely on this song, ‘like sinatra’:

it was four hundred miles on my wheels to come find her

& i stood like a broken umbrella behind her

& i opened my mouth just enough to remind her

she don't need 'nother mess out of me

but that's ok 'cause i agree

i was out on my feet with a feeling so helpless

& she said, you decide to appear, you're so selfish

& i picked up a picture of some sucker on her shelf

that's when i felt her replacing me

then my knees gave in & i decided to leave

i was thinking of her & wrote a letter me, it said

torture your liver & let the earth quake

if this makes you shiver, then sit there & shake

buddy you bought this with pockets of pride

it's time to take this murder inside

where you hide in the holes of the reason you slay...

i've been thinking about all the things you won't tell me

for the fear that you'll just disappear can you help me

with the weight of the world at my feet on my shoulders

& i'm making a mess out of me,

but that's ok 'cause i can stand in the face of these things & stop suffering

the bite of the booze used to sting now it's comforting

four hundred miles on my knees might mean something

she's taking her hands back from me

now my wheels won't turn & what a goddamn shame but i

got no one except for me i can blame

torture your liver & let the earth quake

if this makes you shiver then sit there & shake

buddy you bought this with pockets of pride

it's time to take this murder inside

where the creatures are seizing the chances you made...

download the mp3 here, please. it will help. sorry about the drunkenness.

by kd at August 5, 2001 10:27 PM


Woah. I probably shouldn't have posted up only half the story. It ends up much better than I (apparently) made things out to be in the first part.

by mg at August 5, 2001 10:35 PM


Oh good. Then I'll spare you my sympathy.

by space at August 5, 2001 10:58 PM


so sorry...should i have spared y'all the bitchin MP3? i think not. listen to the thing. i have more. theraputic(if you are insane, as i am)..

anybody else like pinching judy???

by kd at August 5, 2001 11:20 PM


MG, funny but things always happen for a reason. They also turn out for the best. Sooooo, if you and Amanda are good to go....ROLL with it! If not, ROLL OVER IT! (in the end honestly it will work...)

by Pristine at August 6, 2001 12:00 AM


Dude, could you have picked a lamer title for this completely self-absorbed adventure into the realm of frivolous who-gives-a-shit weblog-refuse than ripping of one of the most marginally talented songwriters that everybody knows from that ONE FUCKING SONG ... my god, I would actually have perhaps some shred of regard for your situation had you not framed it in such a manner as to make me nauseous even before reading it. By the way, she probably doesn't want to move out to NYC because she isn't interested in you. Seems pretty fucking simple if you ask me. It's funny how we spend so much time second guessing ourselves when, in the end, we find out that most people actually act for the very simple and logical reasons which we think, at the time, are far too cut and dry to be believed. Here's how to simplify: if she stays then it means she wants to be with you, to be your girlfriend AND if she doesn't stay it means she doesn't want to be with you, doesn't want to be your girlfriend. Quite simple really.

by Aimee at March 28, 2003 1:43 AM


I think you are a little self-absorbed. Maybe you should listen to her and understand that it isn't all about you. You have to make her comfortable if you ever plan on having a serious relationship. If she isn't comfortable, it won't be a long one. Don't push her boundaries, and start listening to her.

by Lady at June 19, 2005 9:24 PM


i stumbled across this, and I am completely amazed. who gives a shit,

by firth at February 10, 2007 9:13 AM