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you've got questions, we've got answers
by mg at 11:47 AM on July 31, 2001
Here is a question:
Is it better to “pretend” to be in love, and that everything is going swimmingly in a relationship or is it better to be alone?
Is it better to have someone to come home to every night, someone to cut up the carrots, while you prepare a nice marinade, to read the same books and talk about them later, to fall asleep next to someone at night, and know they will still be there in the morning, or is it better to be alone?
Is it better to have someone to go to the museums with on a Sunday afternoon, to take with you eyeglass shopping so that you don’t end up with a geeky pair of glasses, to go out to dinner with and have the obligatory candle most restaurants add to their table setting actually mean something, or is it better to be alone?
comments (19)
how very melancholy this all sounds. I'm the worst person in the world to be giving advice on this kind of thing, so I won't attempt it, but I have a pathological urge to be supportive so have a hug in lieu
by suey at July 31, 2001 1:35 PM
It is better to have the truth, than live a lie.
by bri at July 31, 2001 3:31 PM
my answer(s): if you are 25, & can reasonably expect time in your life to continue the search, then pretending means complicating your quest for ‘the one’. on the other hand, if you are, say, 40, & can reasonably say your best searching years are way, way behind you, then you settle. settling can be a good thing, but not if done too soon.
by kd at July 31, 2001 3:42 PM
when i was in a relationship, i still felt lonely sometimes. pretending to be in love? perhaps i was. but i'm feeling so much more lonely right now.
by andrew at July 31, 2001 6:19 PM
Who's kidding who. Pretend all the way dude. Even if "she" has a penis, you can still pretend.
by Tom at July 31, 2001 6:38 PM
You can go to museums with a friend - of any sex. You can also have sex with a friend, if the friendship is the right kind. But IM(NS)HO, I doubt you can be happy living a lie, not if you're the self-examining type. When push comes to shove - and it will eventually - the relationship will fall apart (likely as not, when you're least prepared and able to handle loneliness).
by Muad'Dib at July 31, 2001 10:01 PM
I'm with Muad'Dib. 9 nine yes NINE years I spent in a relationship that was wonderful in most aspects. Good sex, good conversation, travels, memories, mutual interests, same sense of humor - my family even liked her. The only problem? She wasn't the one - we were SO compatible, it was many many years before we realized we weren't in love.
Now - lonliness sucks. I totally understand the someone better than no one idea. But when one is young - they need to keep looking. Maybe even when they're old, though I see KD's point. Ideally, during unattached times you have some friends with benefeits...maybe even live with someone...as long as you don't fall into the trap of tricking yourself that it is true love.
Love is...like a sixth sense. It's art - you know it when you feel it. There is no benefeit in giving up the chance of meeting someone with whom you share that feeling merely in order to absolve lonliness and a feeling that your life has no meaning unless it's being shared. (unless maybe she's REALLY rich heh.)
by Charles at August 1, 2001 12:33 AM
what i mean by settle is not necessarily to settle for a person, but to settle into the peace that comes from letting go of the searching, & saying, ‘yes, i am content to abstain from the turbulence & excesses of the quest’. at that point your whole life settles in, & if you are ready for that, it can be quite pleasant. read some of the golden anniversary notices in the paper...i think more often than not these are ‘settlers’.
by kd at August 1, 2001 2:01 PM
Don't ever waste your time! You can never get that back even with money! Life is too short to live a lie, and if your "that" lonely hook-up with friends. You can have sex, go to a movie, and do the fun things with a really good friend. (though I go against this due to the complications that tend to arise) That and you are way too young to put yourself in a relationship that could mean your missing out on the real one waiting for you! You have to look at the word LONELY in a different way! Just b/c you do not have anyone to come home to does not honestly mean you are "lonely". You maybe "alone" at the time and want human contact, but it does not mean you are "lonely". (I feel sorry for you Andrew!) E-mail or chat is better than feeling that way I would think? See MG you are putting yourself in a box to FIND someone and in a hurry. If you hurry a relationship for your own needs then it would never be quite right. You will always still be looking out for that "right" one, I can say that by experience. Don't sell yourself or your future right partener short! GET THAT POTTER BOOK DAMMIT! :0)
by Pristine at August 1, 2001 2:09 PM
An old adage…
“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”
In my opinion, it is easier then being alone, in most cases. At least we don’t have to pretend to be reading the paper as we sit by ourselves eating lunch, wondering if anyone can tell that we are so miserably desperate. Humans are always pretending to be or do something, why not at least have fun while you’re engaging.
I believe we are so addicted to the beginning feelings of “love” that we’ll continue to begin again.
Somewhere in childhood we fall under the malaise of the “Snow-white/Cinderella syndrome.” Some Handsome Prince opens the glass casket, kisses the gorgeous princess, and off through the woods they travel to His castle where they endeavor to live happily ever after. The unfortunate part of the story is that we never hear how that goes. Does the pretty bride bitch about the dirty dishes, sex, laundry, etc.? How does the Prince handle that “time of the month” anyhow? And those gawdamn midgets running around all over place…Christ!
I’ll venture to state, if you’re enjoying the company of another, who says you have to force a commitment? Simply try to relax, let it all simmer on the back burner for awhile and have fun. If in the event you do at some point find your “Soul Mate” BRAVO!! If not, keep your eyes open and learn from the experiences you’ve endured. But keep in mind, NOTHING is story book, and when all the warm fuzzy feelings of love wane, it is the commitment you gave to remain in love…keep to your promises as best as you can, yet know when to walk away.
I guess it would be wise to know what you want before you go looking for it. If being alone is better than pretending for you…solitude would be the way to go.
NOTE: Nothing is fair, no one can expect life to be just. Pretending isn't always being dishonest if you truly enjoy the company you're with. Let us hope it isn’t you however who is being “pretended” (wonders if that is even a word ~laughs~) too, yet even if it is…be flexible and roll with it. You’ve been hurt before, hurt is inevitable; as is loneliness.
Being alone really never feels that good. I personally try to avoid it at all costs. So much so that I have put up with some very annoying people to squelch my own inner agony. But I admit, I did have some fun, even if it was merely making fun of the one I was with in my mind...it gave me something to talk about with my friends.
by Pantera at July 31, 2003 12:51 PM
ok ok ..I thought this was a new comment....
I have to rememebr to look at these dates....geesh!
by pantera at July 31, 2003 12:52 PM
pre·tend·ed
adj.
Not genuine or sincere; feigned: a pretended interest in the proceedings.
Supposed; alleged: the pretended heir to the throne.
Yes my dear pantera, it is a word. Great comment. Has MG gotten off his ass yet about setting you up to post as an author. If not it's a shame. Peace.
by at July 31, 2003 2:24 PM
Sorry. That was me.
by Ezy at July 31, 2003 2:26 PM
Ahh...good to know and duly noted...the word that is...
AND NO MG does love me...as I am still just a sitting idle waiting to become one of yinse!
~smiles~
Anticipation...It makes me want it more I guess
by pantera at August 5, 2003 12:03 PM
DOES NOT! I meant to say He just doesn't love me....I feel so alone and feel like pretending something.
~laughs~
by pantera at August 5, 2003 12:05 PM
Yea, the whole anticipation thing only goes so far before it gets worn out huh? Bummer. If you saw today's post from MG it seems like he'll be back around soon. Hopefully he'll get you set up then. Peace out milady.
by Ezy at August 5, 2003 1:31 PM
I am around now (thank you Verizon, though I still think you are all asswhacks). Pants, send me an email again. Way back when, I'd even set up your account and everything, so it's not like I don't want you around, it's just we could never connect to get things straightened out. Maybe this will work better now that email is on the new server, since that seemed to be the problem with us getting together.
by mg at August 5, 2003 1:36 PM
5t6n4c comment6 ,
by Xsiuwapf at June 24, 2009 9:12 AM
5t6n4c comment6 ,
by Xsiuwapf at June 24, 2009 9:13 AM