crack a smile

by lizard at 09:10 PM on July 23, 2001

look up. somewhere just above eye-level & below sky-level, is a level we will call, �camera level�. i recently made it a point to be observant of how much observation is going on, & i am dismayed to say, more than i had expected (which was quite a bit, considering my paranoia). i don't mind the honest ones, you know, the ones in the banks & convenience stores which let you watch yourself on the monitors. i want my banks & my seven-elevens to be safe, because i don't want to pay higher fees & prices to make up for what people steal.

i guess my major objection to being under constant surveillance of one sort or another, is the sneakiness of it. if you're watching me, just let me know, ok? it's not that i'm doing anything dishonest, but it is possible what i'm doing might be just a wee bit disgusting. like, for instance, not that i do this myself but people do pick their noses. & sometimes, when people wear certain combinations of clothing & undergarments, people's panties have the tendency to creep up & become wedged in very uncomfortable ways. it's difficult enough to remedy this situation without attracting any attention, & if you add these eyes in the sky to this equation, it's almost impossible to have moments of privacy. & let's not forget that sometimes people feel itchy in places it is not ladylike to scratch. there are all sorts of things you just wouldn't want to see yourself doing in an episode of �Caught on Tape XXVII - People Picking at Themselves�, not that i personally have anything to worry about, i just worry about it happening in general. to other people. not me.

another reason this whole camera issue bothers me so much is, i'm not very photogenic. i'm not ugly or anything, but the camera does not love me. it seems to magnify the crookedness of my nose, which you hardly notice if you meet me in person but on film it comes across as horribly disfigured. well maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but still. knowing this, i have developed a heightened sensitivity to the presence of cameras - it's like they're on this wavelength that i detect, almost subconsciously, & react instinctively. if i'm in a particularly good mood, i respond by trying to present myself at the optimal angle (my �good� side). or, failing that, do what i usually do when someone points a camera at me against my will - they end up with a picture of my hair & my middle finger. there are very, very few pictures of me out there, & most of them are more of a duck & a gesture than a pose. either way, they interfere with my ability to just quietly & peacefully enjoy my life & to scratch what itches.

you might wonder why someone with such a �photo-phobia� has a webcam. sometimes i wonder myself. once, not too long ago, i was cleaning my room with the cam running. the cam software crashed the computer, as it does quite frequently, & i turned it off without thinking any more about it. the last picture it took before crashing was of my butt (clothed, thank god) as i bent over some laundry. i then left for the rest of the weekend, & i sure had some interesting emails waiting for me when i returned. & yeah, i can hear some of you smartass-types out there suggesting it was my butt that crashed the computer & ... well, ok, maybe that was it. but anyway.

so, the moral of the story is, let's see. hmmm. well, there isn't one, unless you want to take this as an excuse to go around mooning security video cameras for fun, in which case, i disavow any knowledge of your mission. but moon 'em once for me, ok?