making a list, checking it twice

by mg at 09:53 AM on June 13, 2001

With unemployment, and the uncertainty finances that comes with it, there comes this overwhelming desire to make sense of every other part of your life. For some people, that sense making might come in the form of relationships with friend and family. For some people that sense making comes in the form of religion. For others, that sense making comes from a bottle of Jim Beam. But for me, that sense making comes in the form of list making.

So far, in the last 24 hours, I’ve made about 15 different lists. The lists have touched on everything from the simple, “I need groceries, what should I get?” to the esoteric, “Steps toward achieving eternal happiness.” Unfortunately, I’ve yet to do anything on any of those lists.

Okay, that isn’t true. When I left work for the last time ever yesterday morning, I made a list of the things to do for the rest of the day. “Walk around for a bit. Go home. Pick up beer, ice cream, and laundry detergent. Eat ice cream. Do laundry. Watch Full Metal Jacket. Drink beer. Look at porn. Masturbate. Fall asleep.”

I did all of those things. Which certainly made me feel like I got something accomplished.

And, I think, as long as I keep making these lists reasonable and actually doing all the things on all these lists, I won't have to face the reality of having no job, no prospects, and no money. Or the fact that I have to fall asleep alone every night, and not having a place to wake up and go to every day means there is no chance I’ll get to meet someone nice. And hot. If I never meet new people, I won't have the chance to find someone to lie on top of when I need someone to lie on top of every once in a while.

And let’s just forget about the future. I don’t even like to think, even briefly, about the whole California side of the equation.

Jeez.

One of the reasons I stuck it out with the “dynamic duo” as long as I did was because I knew all that daily soul crushing abuse was allowing me to save the up the mad benjamins I’d needed to finance a cross-country move. So, losing my job means, potentially, losing the chance to move to California.

But, ack! I don’t want to think about that just yet.

Better to keep my lists small, like “Wake up. Smoke cigarette. Make some eggs for breakfast. Shower.” That is just so much easier for my fragile psyche to manage right about now. I can get my brain around that kind of list.

Now, I don’t want to give the impression that my spirits are down from my previous indulgent ice cream and beer high. Because they aren’t. I am still gloriously happy to be free. It’s just unfortunate that few other things in life are free.

So, what is on my list for this morning? “Write a morning post.”

Done and done.

I’ve got to go now; item number 2, “breakfast” awaits me.