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If you're single and you know it clap your hands...

by snaggle at 10:27 AM on June 29, 2001

Here's another great (stolen) list for your reading pleasure. This one was written by my friend spacecheese. Too many of these apply to me, though a few need a switch from 'opposite sex' to 'same sex' for me. mg said he wanted to steal this, but I called dibs because I've been single longer — and need to post more than he does. Feel free to add your own; maybe someday we can publish a great compendium of BadSamaritan Lists of Stuff or Something.

    Things people who have been single too long (not necessarily me) do:

  1. Pause a little too long when flipping past the "Girls Gone Wild" commercials (applies only to straight males).
  2. Fold in the side mirrors on the medicine cabinet, stick their head between them, and look at their profile fading off to infinity (don't try unless you have really high self esteem - you look weird, trust me).
  3. Take vacations with their parents.
  4. Become overly self-conscious about their eating habits in public, no longer use forks, plates or glasses in private.
  5. Stop believing that anyone else in the world is having sex.
  6. Start believing that everyone else in the world is having sex.
  7. Start a website.
  8. Defensively and pre-emptively inflate their self-esteem. "I'm too good for her. I don't even have to talk to her to know that."
  9. Find themselves surrounded by PDAs. The old kind.
  10. Get quizzed frequently by their mothers about all of their opposite-sex friends.
  11. Start looking at all of their opposite-sex friends. Catch themselves.
  12. Wonder if this means they should become priests or something.
  13. Use a lot of metaphors involving deserts.
  14. Say things like "I don't know if I'll ever date again, really. Maybe I'll just settle for casual sex," and then actually settle for crappy anime. Every night.
  15. Bore their friends with complaints about being single too long.

comments (6)

16. take a vow of celibacy so that you don't feel so bad about not getting any.

by mg at June 29, 2001 3:43 PM

17. Declare yourself to be asexual.

by snaggle at June 29, 2001 4:51 PM

Both of those I have laid (excuse the pun) claim to at the beginning of this year, fellas. Sorry to have scooped you by six months. :-)

by Lilly at June 29, 2001 11:24 PM

18. look at very ugly people walking around with their partners and wonder "why are THEY getting some and i'm not?".

by minja ninjarama at June 30, 2001 9:07 AM

Just a word about that PDA one: I´ve been living in Spain the last two weeks or so and let me tell you that whatever PDAs you´re used to seeing in the states can´t compare to the shit that goes on in public here on the Iberian Peninsula. As long as (most) clothes remain, anything goes... couple this with the fact that I´m recently single, don´t speak hardly any spanish, am surrounded by hundreds of beautiful spanish women, and am a good, what, 7000 miles from anyone I could truly call a friend, and THEN you´ll understand how single you can feel. Hell, I don´t even have a medicine cabinet here to play with....!

But the weather sure is nice.

by drywall at July 4, 2001 4:16 PM

sorry lilly, but i can scoop you on #17. i spent the majority of my high school career under the guise of being asexual. it turns out i wasn't into guys(even though figuratively speaking, they were into me) and didn't know how to talk to women. apparently the talking bit involves using the mouth and other various body parts to create coherent words and sentences. i wish someone would have told me that. i always thought that ogling from a distance and nodding when they spoke to me was enough. so much getting some did i miss. hmm... so sad. :(

god save my college years though. or at least the bits where there’s been some to get. on that note. if anybody knows some intelligent, attractive, young 20something females with a good sense humor in the ames area…

by bambi at July 24, 2001 6:33 PM

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