how to : be a role model for today's youth

by lizard at 02:00 AM on June 26, 2001

Young people who have no business being role models are regularly being thrown into the spotlight, thanks to the omnipresence of video cameras & the public's insatiable appetite for salaciousness. What should you do, if you find yourself in the role of role model to your generation? After eight long years of scholarly Chelesa, the young people of America have a new icon in Jenna. Her more studious twin sister Barbara, a student at Yale with only one arrest to her credit, is a much less realistic goal for the average college-age girl (or boy) to try to emulate, & besides Jenna is just way hotter. Way.

For those still in high school, wondering how they might be more like Jenna, I offer this example: buying snacks for friends will make you popular! Jenna, known as 'the doughnut girl', was elected class vice president in her senior year, & also was voted "most likely to trip on prom night" before her high school graduation. So remember: if you drink heavily & buy people food, they will like you.

Guys, especially, will like you. & if you find a special guy, make sure he knows how to handle himself in difficult situations, for instance, if he gets arrested for being drunk in public, he should know how to express himself in a way that commands respect: hollering 'I'm nailing the president's daughter' as he's being hauled away in handcuffs is a sure way to get special treatment in the holding cell while waiting for the secret service to arrive in an unmarked van with Virginia plates to bail him out. What the hell, discretion isn't very sexy anyway.

Maintain your popularity by getting wasted regularly. Frat parties are a great venue for this sort of activity, & letting friends take your picture is even better than buying them doughnuts, because they can't sell those doughnuts to the tabloids for more beer money. No need to worry about your image - remember that commercial, image is nothing, thirst is everything; drink, drink, drink! & when you get arrested, you are just showing your peers that it's ok to get in a little trouble now & then.

Now, if your dad's a famous cokehead, it makes it harder to rebel against parental authority. If you're Jenna, though, you can just say it with cutlery - like this time in 1998 when, reportedly: "There was tension in the Bush family when Karla Faye Tucker, a murderer who became a born-again Christian, was due to be executed. According to family friends, Jenna dropped her fork dramatically at the dinner table and said she was against the death penalty." Shocking though this may seem, daddy went ahead with the execution anyway.

One thing Jenna might wish to consider though, before she's past her prime, young, hot, rebellious years, is the generous offer she received from Larry Flynt - an unprecedented 10 million dollars just for showing some pink. & depending on how much damage daddy does to the economy, it's an offer that shouldn't be dismissed lightly.