do you have the time to listen to me whine

by mg at 03:35 PM on June 26, 2001

What do you say when you have nothing to say. Besides saying that you don’t have anything to say?

That is what I’ve been struggling with the last couple days. I’m just so thoroughly unmotivated to do anything, including waking up, eating, getting dressed. I really don’t even feeling like looking at porn lately. How much of a slacker am I that I don’t even have the energy for porn?

And the Internet? Fuck the Internet. I can imagine nothing more boring than the fucking Internet at this very moment. Suck is dead. Fubar is dead. Pretty much the entire e/n scene is dead (though, most days I’d say good riddance.) What else is there out there on the world wide fucking web for me?

I know I don’t want to get sucked into daytime television. Throughout college I watched enough daytime TV to last me a lifetime. There was an entire semester that I only left my dorm room to eat, pee, and going drinking. I subsisted on the Internet (back then it was all ASCII text, so no porn unless I could get turned on by o and oIo. Which I can’t. Unless Zia is saying it.), TV and sex. That semester was pretty much like my existence now, but one of the things on the list is missing — the thing that made everything worthwhile before.

So, without sex, I don’t think I could bear to watch another Rikki Lake makeovers. And I really don’t want to get wrapped up in any soap operas. I find it hard to break my addictions, and I’ve been off Days Of Our Lives long enough that I don’t even have the cravings to know what is going on in Salem anymore, though I know it’d only take a few days before I was addicted again.

What else is there besides the Internet and TV?

I suppose I could go on lots of walks, like my friend who moved to L.A. a couple months ago. She goes on hikes every damn day, but she certainly doesn’t seem any happier for it.

And sure, I live in New York City, the greatest damn city in the world, and there is plenty of stuff to do around town. But, that would require me getting up, getting dressed and getting out of the house. I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed with the promise of porn waiting for me, and you expect me to go outside and do something that won’t involve any porn at all? Whatever.

Going out in New York also requires tremendous amounts of money. It is $3 just to get from one place to another. Add to that food, another $6, plus whatever it is I end up doing: a movie for $10, a museum for $8, peep shows for $0.25 a minute. I just don’t have that kind of cash.

So, what else does that leave? The Internet is free, but like I said, booooooring. TV is free but just plain stupid. Sitting and staring at my apartment walls, while fun, gets old awfully quick. I’ve already listened to almost all of my 600 CDs, and I don’t think I’ve sunk low enough to play that embarrassing Bullet Boys disc yet.

I’ve watched all of my meager collection of DVDs. Someone dies in every damn movie, and most are incredibly depressing. Watching Björk get hung in Dancer in the Dark, or Kevin Spacey get his head blown off in American Beauty is really not the way to break out of my depressive-funk.

I suppose I could redouble my job search efforts. But damn. What a soul crushing experience that is. If I read the words “Required: 5-7 years of experience” one more time, I think I’m just going to give up and see if the local White Castle is hiring.

This site, which was my anchor to the real world when I was unemployed a couple months ago, just isn’t doing it for me now. I always said that I wouldn’t force myself to do this if I wasn’t enjoying myself. And, I’m not really enjoying myself right now.

I know there are those among you who’ve been in similar experiences. Christ, we’ve all felt this way at times; so, please tell me what to do. I’m ready for suggestions. Okay people, how do I spend my waking hours?