« I love you, right hand! | Main | how to make friends and influence people : part two »
how to make friends and influence people
by mg at 07:22 AM on May 07, 2001
I don't want to quit my job. Mainly because I'd feel bad about quitting and not having another job to fall back on. The month and a half between getting laid off and starting up again was the longest period of time in 6 years that I had been out of work. But really, the main reason I wouldn't want to quit my job is because if I did, I would be able to collect unemployment anymore.
Getting, fired however, would make things so much better. So, short of being grossly incompetent, here are some things I thought I could do to get myself fired:
* If you remember, my bosses are all Israeli; I could show up for work one morning wearing my German Army Jacket. Then, in the afternoon I could take off all my clothes, put on a bathrobe and invite them all to take a "shower" with me.
* Go to the company intranet, grab every document, and run it through the Pornolizer. Replace the old documents with the new, improved versions.
* I could bring a mat with me to work, and take time out each day to set it up on the floor, and pray toward the east. Then, run to my boss’s office; kick in his door while yelling "Jihad! Jihad!"
* Secretly replace the office's regular coffee with Folgers crystals. Did I say Folgers crystals? I meant to say Methamphetamine crystals.
* My bosses are insanely concerned with security. Every single document in the office must be shredded, so the shredder is running frequently throughout the day. I'll bring in some tomato, onion, pepper and lettuce and use the paper shredder to make myself some tacos.
* All of the women and all of the wives of the men who work with me are pregnant, or have recently given birth. (No seriously, it is kind of freaky but true. Every damn one of them.) Get some Thalidomide and drop it in the water cooler.
Can you think of anymore? Tell me about it.
comments (9)
Or you could not take a shower for weeks and weeks on until finally your dismissed for bad hygiene.
You can if a woman like me purposely flirt with your male boss and make him feel he must go out with you because if not you will break down crying.
Or even write him a long love-letter.
You can bring your dog with you and leave him in the car and ask to take him out every 3 hours or so.
The possibilities are so amazing.... and endless......
by Dwarf at February 23, 2003 1:14 PM
I found in my last job that simply taking up mu director's invistation to be honest, frank and sincere was enough. I simply pointed out where she was going wrong and hey presto! The sack!
by Matthew White at August 21, 2003 9:21 PM
I found a singularly effective trick for this purpose. You turn up wasted at 8.00 am, not yet having gone to bed, you clear your desk into a plastic bag and you walk to the door. Turn, wave, walk. Simple as that. Then spend 10 months in the pub trying to convince people your a novelist. Fakin Brilliant.
by Rex at January 11, 2004 10:30 PM
Explain to your boss that you have undergone a religious conversion. As such, you will now require 8 additional holidays off from the 'Old Calendar;' Winter Solstice, Imbolc, Pring Equinox, Beltaine, Summer Solstice, Lughnsadh, Autumn Equinox, and Samhain.
This is, of course, above and beyond the traditional state holidays, and not negotiable. Also explain that, if he/she does not approve these additional days off, you will not only sue him and the entire company for every penny that can be squeezed from their tight little asses under the popular Zero Tollerance rules and for religious persecution, you will personally hold a cabal in which he/she and her entire progeny will be cursed to walk the Earth as the undead untill the end of time. (at this time, it would be a good idea to pick a few stray hairs from the boss' shirt and make a show of placing them in a silk pouch.)
I dare say, if you give them about a month, you will find yourself without a job for some reason totally unrelated to your religious preferences.
by kevin at March 2, 2004 12:38 PM
You could always spend your last days enjoying yourself, throw a huge party inviting anyone you can find and when everything in the place is either falling apart, broken, or accidently through the front window of the boss's car, that gets you fired, and if not do it till it does, least your havin a blast - P.S- Don't forget to set up your new pimpin business outside the place when you get fired
by Webi at April 8, 2004 8:02 AM
maybe u cud just take a gun and putit at ur bosses head, and tell him to fire you or he dies. Or just chap all over the office, on each and every chair, and fill ur bosses office with posters saying tht u shud join the palestinian forces, and tht the Israelies suck, and print ur name on each one. Just an idea
by Xero at April 8, 2004 8:07 AM
Bring prostitutes to the office with you. Yell false fire alarms. Wear a t-shirt with a big marijuana leave picture. Play pranks on company executives. Bring a beat-box with you and play party music and distribute booze. Disguise yourself as yasser arafat, or even better come to the office wrapped in fake dynamite sticks (but dont make the joke last too long, or else they might call the SWAT).
by boredom at January 4, 2005 2:47 PM
omfg u bitches r all fuckin gay. u people r wack
by biatch at July 5, 2005 12:18 AM
ask to gently nibble at your bosse's nipple. just a little. you've been wating so long. would he mind?
by kjh at January 6, 2006 7:27 PM