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mg

the story of my life, well his life

by mg at 08:15 AM on April 27, 2001

I've got this friend who writes the best emails. This is one of them:

=====

dear god,

i'll have to admit, i've been hedging about your existence for most of my adult life. now that might sound pretty bad, but wait... hear me out. you see, for someone who wasnt raised to believe in you in the first place, the fact that i even think about you at all is damn good, dont you think? give yourself a pat on the back, you're doing alright.

anyway, i'm writing you because, tonite, i'm in one of those what-if-there's-a-god, what-if-there's-a-heaven kind of moods. and whenever i get this way, i figure i should go ahead and just let you know about all the good things i've been up to. i mean, being good has to count for something... right? well, i'm sorta counting on you, because here on earth, it seems that being good just doesnt count for much these days. okay okay, i dont mean to be too negative. i guess i should say, being good doesnt count for much... sex. yes. that's a more accurate statement.

so you already know about the situation between me and the Most Perfect Chinese Girl Ever Born. (hey, this is sorta off topic, but when you're not too busy, can you explain to me why the Most Perfect Chinese Girl Ever Born only loves jewish boys who dont love her back?) anyway, i just got off the phone with her. she called me from the city where she just left some bar, after hanging out with some dude. he tried to get her in bed, but he's neither jewish, nor scrawny, so not her type, so she took off. but her car is 20 blocks from the bar, and she's in heels, in the industrial part of san francisco, and it's past midnight, and she's scared, so i'm on the phone with her, just so she has someone to talk with while she walks.

she's scared because a white car with no headlights is following her and she says to me, i'm going to read you the licence plate number, get a pen. 3 P W L L 6 3 8. if something happens to me, call the police.

i hear the the clicks of her heels against the pavement, and i hear her breathing, so i know she's walking fast, keeping an eye on the white car with no headlights, and at the same time, keeping an eye out for a cab that might be passing through the industrial part of san francisco. she finds one. but it's off duty, and its meter is broken, but the guy agrees to take her. the Most Perfect Chinese Girl Ever Born says she'll be alright now. i offer to stay on the phone with her. she says she'll be alright. i say to her, get to your car safe, call me back if you need to. she says she'll be alright.

my phone rings two minutes later. i pick up and ask her if everything's alright.

she's hysterical and she's shouting even though she doesnt mean to. she says, i cant believe what just happened with the cab driver. i'm never coming to the city again, tom. this has been such a bad night. first, some guy leaves me 20 blocks away from my car because i wont sleep with him. then some other guy is stalking me in his car, like he's about to rape me or molest me, or whatever the fuck. oh tom, this has been such a bad night. and to top it all off, the cab driver offered me a hundred bucks for sex. and i was like NO! and he said, what about two hundred, and i was like NO! two hundred dollars for me. is that what it all comes down to? is that all i'm worth?

so god, i dont leave a girl 20 blocks from her car. i dont stalk a girl in my car and make her fear for her safety and her life. i dont try and reduce the Most Perfect Chinese Girl Ever Born into some common prostitute and offer her two hundred dollars for sex. i'm the guy she calls at half past midnight when she's scared, and trembling, and wants someone on the other end of the line.

so god, i think i've been good. and i know i've been good to the Most Perfect Chinese Girl Ever Born. but i'm not asking for her. i dont need her. but you know, i wouldnt mind if you helped me out a little here. do you know any sensible girls? maybe one that's kind of smart? maybe even likes poetry? let me know if you know someone like this. oh, one more thing. she has to give some mean BJ.

thanks god.

=====

That is the kind of letter that, after I am dead and apprieciated, people will include in books of my correspondance.

comments (17)

I'm at work and I was looking for something else, but came across your site. I'm glad I've had this diversion. You really do a beautiful job of being honest and true with what's going on in the world around you. I lived in Jersey for 4 years and am now on the west coast. I really miss the in-your-face sincerity of life back east. Thank for helping me remember what it feels like to be more real.

-Peace

by bert j. at July 12, 2001 7:01 PM


I'm at work and I was looking for something else, but came across your site. I'm glad I've had this diversion. You really do a beautiful job of being honest and true with what's going on in the world around you. I lived in Jersey for 4 years and am now on the west coast. I really miss the in-your-face sincerity of life back east. Thank for helping me remember what it feels like to be more real.

-Peace

by bert j. at July 12, 2001 7:01 PM


what if there is a God? What if there is a heaven? Five minutes after your death you'll know for sure.

Getting to heaven isn't about being a good person. It's about admitting you're a bad person, and letting someone else pay for it.

Think about it, Heaven is perfect, otherwise it wouldn't be heaven. You (and I) are not perfect, so no matter how "good" you are, if God let you in as is, you'd ruin it for everyone. So on your own, there's no way you or anyone else will ever get there. That's where this guy named Jesus comes in. He happens to have lived the only perfect life ever, yet he paid the price, and is offering to wipe out all your badness, all you have to do is accept that He did it for you.

Oh yeah, in addition to Heaven, He has something else to offer, something even better than the Most Perfect Chinese Girl Ever Born. It's not fun, not pleasure. It's something better than those. Something better, even than a mean BJ. It's called Joy. It's finding the reason that you showed up on planet earth in the first place. Finding something bigger than yourself to be a part of.

So hey, you can spend your life floating around chasing the Most Perfect Chinese Girl Ever Born, and look back when they are patting you in the face with a shovel and say, "What was I thinking!"

On the other hand, you can choose Joy. Not rules and regulations, but real happiness that comes from being on the same side as the One who created you, and the Most Perfect Chinese Girl Ever Born.

by chuck at September 25, 2001 8:21 PM


just like the other guy i just came across this site by accident. I very much agree with what chuck said. Find a real "meaning" to your life man. I like your honesty and truth. Each one of us is just trying to get by and find that "one meaningful thing" that we can share to others on this planet -- and it definitely ain't sex.

by chino at October 3, 2001 10:40 AM


Isn't it just like a movie?

Where's the remote?

Gotta love realism.

by Vagabond King at October 16, 2001 1:02 AM


LOL. What if there was a god? Wouldn't that b a trip? It was a wise man that invented "god" though, and its a good thing alotta ppl still believe in it (although i cant see how, since there's never been even the slightest shred of evidence. who knows.?) but it still craks me up when i think about it.. hmm..bumms me out too though when i think about it.

by Overdose at October 28, 2001 4:21 AM


*shakes head*

maybe she'll come around. maybe she'll come around.

God never helps out when I'm playing Othello. I like to think it's because he's busy with other people. Maybe, for the next game, it'll be you.

by mrh at November 5, 2001 12:04 AM


of course I only start reading this stuff 7 months after its written. We should have switched Perfect (crazy) Asian Girls from the very beginning. It would have worked out - I'm Jewish and scrawny, you've got a Manhattan apartment.

by Adam at November 12, 2001 7:24 AM


I'm sure there's a God, and I'm sure He's real. I believe He died for us....but I struggle with the same things bro. Why is it that the great girls choose those messed up dudes? Makes me want to be a messed up dude sometimes. I hope she comes around...I hope you come around too.

by Oak at December 13, 2001 5:38 PM


how come jesus wasnt around in germany by with the Nazis i would love to see what they would do to him. beat him down but he rises up again over and over and over again coooooooooooool

by hellyeah at September 24, 2002 6:14 PM


I'm a Londoner myself and I prefer the honest approach too! (great site) I'm also an Atheist and even if I met an all knowing all seeing creater of the universe and he explained to me the reasons and for necessity for all the crappy bits of his creation (like rape, and female circumcision, child murder, ingnorance...............etc) I'd tell him to go fu*k himself


Peace out!

by Spence at May 9, 2003 12:43 AM


when did this become a theology circle-jerk? none of you athiests are ever going to prove anything to people who pretend to "walk by faith", and none of you theists can ever form a coherent argument for that same reason.

by at August 26, 2003 3:12 PM


wow the fact that people are sitting around discussing this is amazing. i think everone is crazy.

by Blue Cheerio with Stale Milk at April 17, 2004 8:52 PM


God Is Author Unknown Jun 16, 2004

God is Lord Almighty, Omnipotent King, Lion of Judah, Rock of Ages, Prince of Peace, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Provider, Protector, Paternal Leader, Ruling Lord and Reigning King of all the universe.
He is Father, Helper, Guardian and God. He is the First and Last, the Beginning and the End. He is the keeper of Creation and the Creator of all He keeps. The Architect of the universe and the Manager of all times.
He always was, is, and will be: Unmoved, Unchanged, Undefeated, and never Undone. He was bruised and brought healing. He was pierced and eased pain. He was persecuted and brought freedom. He was dead and brought life. He is risen and brings power. He reigns and brings Peace.
The world can't understand him, the armies can't defeat Him, the schools can't explain Him, and the leaders can't ignore Him. Herod couldn't kill Him, the Pharisees couldn't confuse Him, the people couldn't hold Him! Nero couldn't crush Him. Hitler couldn't silence Him, the New Age can't replace Him and Donahue can't explain Him away!

He is light, love, longevity, and Lord. He is goodness, kindness, gentleness, and God. He is Holy, Righteous, mighty, powerful, and pure. His ways are right, His word is eternal, His will is unchanging, and His mind is on me! His is my redeemer, He is my saviour, He is my guide, He is my peace, He is my Joy, He is my comfort, He is my Lord and He rules my life.
I serve Him because His bond is love, His burden is light, and His goal for me is abundant life. I follow Him because He is the wisdom of the wise, the power of the powerful, the ancient of days, the ruler of rulers, the leader of leaders, the overseer of the overcomers, and the sovereign Lord of all that was, is and is to come.

And if that seems impressive to you, try this for size. His goal is a relationship with ME! He will never leave me, forsake me, mislead me, forget me, overlook me, and never cancel my appointment in His appointment book!
When I fall, He lifts me up. When I fail, He forgives me. When I am weak, He is strong. When I am lost, He is The Way. When I am afraid, He is my courage. When I stumble, He steadies me. When I am hurt, He heals me. When I am broken, He mends me. When I am blind, He leads me. When I am hungry, He feeds me. When I face trials, He is with me When I face persecution, He stills me. When I face problems, He comforts me. When I face loss, He provides for me. When I face Death, He carries me Home!

He is everything for everybody, everywhere, every time, and in every way. He is God, He is faithful, I am His, and He is mine. My Father in heaven can whip the father of this world, and so, if you're wondering why I feel so secure, understand this: He said it, and that settles it.
God is in control, I am on His side, and that means all is well with my soul.

by Granpajohn at June 20, 2004 3:28 PM


Big Wheel Up to that my son!!
~pulled a wheely on a penny farthing~
(^_^)
If he is God and I sure hope he is because the crazy clart invented marijuana, bifta with the big fella, you knows it.

by DickBruntington Esq. at December 14, 2004 10:00 PM


Very nice. I hope you'll update very soon. hours drive from where: http://www.pouloyiannis.gr/2003_10_01_itstories_archive.html , Coin World magazine

by Jeffrey Campbell at October 9, 2005 9:05 PM


Very nice. I hope you'll update very soon. hours drive from where: http://www.pouloyiannis.gr/2003_10_01_itstories_archive.html , Coin World magazine

by Jeffrey Campbell at October 9, 2005 9:10 PM