happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me

by mg at 10:11 AM on April 18, 2001

I was born on April 18, 1976. Today I am 25 years old. I’ve been alive for a quarter-century.

If I were a car, I’d officially be a classic. If I were a dog, I’d be 175 years old. If I had been born in 1876 I’d be middle aged at 25. If I were a bottle of wine, I would have long ago turned to vinegar. If I were a bottle of scotch, I’d still have a couple years to go before I was drinkable. If I were a fruit fly, I’d have died 24 years, 363 days ago. If I were Dick Clark, I’d look exactly the same as I did then.

In my first 25 years there have been 6 American presidents. Two have been named Bush. One has gotten a lot of bush. One has merely lusted for the bush. One probably couldn’t spell bush while he was president. And one probably couldn’t spell bush now. In my first 25 years the times went from Americans on line, waiting for gas, to being on America Online, waiting for naked pictures of Britney Spears to download. In my first 25, video killed the radio star. Hopefully, sometime in the next 25 someone will kill all the annoying VJ stars.

In 1976 Episode 3 of Star Wars was about to be released and no one knew Mark Hammill’s name. Now, Episode 2 of Star Wars is about to be released and people know Mark Hammill’s name, they just don’t care. In 1976 O.J. Simpson was famous. Now he is infamous. In 1976 families would gather around the TV to watch Happy Days, Mork & Mindy, M*A*S*H, and the Bob Newhart Show. Now, families gather around the TV to watch Happy Days, Mork & Mindy, M*A*S*H, and the Bob Newhart Show on Nick at Nite. In 1976 bell-bottoms were in fashion. Now, they may or may not be, but it is hard to tell since they’ve gone in and out of fashion at least five times.

In 1976 the Atari video game system was introduced to the world. I still play video games with the same level of animation and programming, only it’s now on my cell phone. In 1976 you could buy a new car for under $6,000. You can get a top-of-the-line KIA for about the same amount. In 1976, Sylvester Stallone starred in the Academy Award winner for Best Movie of the Year, Rocky. Now, Sylvester Stallone stars in the future Academy Award winner for Best Movie of the Year, Get Carter.

In 1976 Play that Funky Music (White Boy) was a whopper of a hit on the radio and the discotheques. Today, one of the most popular advertising campaigns uses the song Play that Funky Music (White Boy) to sell Whoppers. In 1976 Liberace and Rock Hudson were considered symbols of what man should be. Now Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are considered symbols of what a man should be. In 1976 the Cincinnati Reds beat the New York Yankees in World Series. One can only hope that the Yankees get beat in today’s World Series.

April 18 is a day that winners are born. Winner like Eric Roberts, Frances Bean Kobain (Kurt and Courtney’s kid) and Rick Moranis were all born today. Also born, not only the same day but the same year as me is Melissa Joan Hart, AKA, Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Apparently, Sabrina hasn’t really been a teenage witch for the last five years.

Please feel free to use the comments to add your own “today/back in the day” thing. And if you haven’t already, you can buy me something. Don’t worry that it won’t arrive in time, I won’t hold it against you, unless what you buy me vibrates, in which case I may very well hold it against you.