revealing ourselves for fruit

by mg at 12:23 AM on March 14, 2001

And you thought the Lambada was the forbidden dance...

Brazilian officials have cracked down on a new teen dance crazy after at least 9 girls have gotten knocked up. The dance is a variation of musical chairs, but instead of sitting down on a chair when the music stops, the girls sit down in a guy’s lap. That, in and of itself, shouldn't be a problem, except that the girls wear mini-skirts, and often without panties.

While sitting in the guys lap, the dance requires the girls mimic sex-acts, and they've been doing it, sometimes much too well. There are so many incidental and actual acts of sexual intercourse taking place, with so many different dancers, that the girls, all aged between 12 and 16, have gotten pregnant and are unable to say who is the baby's father.

Back in my day, kids didn't even touch when they danced (remember American Bandstand?) and we were certainly wearing underwear at all times. Man, Dick Clark must be rolling over in his cryogenic bedchamber.

Giving new meaning to the term head of the class...

A North Bergen, New Jersey high school teacher was suspended for failing to notice several students in her class having sex. One 14-year-old girl allowed two boys to lick and fondle her breasts and performed oral sex on another.

I just don't know what is up with kids today. When I was in school the only thing I used saliva for was makin' spitballs. Though, I suppose if I had the choice between wads of saliva-soaked paper and hot teenage monkey love...

Vengeance, on an allowance...

A teenager in Houston, Texas was looking to get a little revenge after a traffic altercation a couple weeks ago. His brilliant and evil plan Dump a pig's head on his victim's doorstep. The problem? His victim was Jewish.

Coppers agree, this was not a hate crime. Why so? The kid didn't choose a pig because his fellow traffic altercationee was Jewish but because pig heads, apparently, are pretty darn cheap. He should have gone to New Jersey, I hear head up there is free.

Some country's leaders snort coke, some country's leaders scratch records...

England's Prince Charles showed his stuff while scratching records and rapping over some phat beats at a London party. No, really. There are pictures. What's next up for The Prince (not to be confused with the Artist Currently Know as Prince)? Talks are in the works with Dr. Dre and Death Row Records for The Prince and Eminem to get together on a track about how to kill your ex-wife and get away with it.

Hey, look ma, Junior is up 1 3/4 a share...

Chris Llewelyn is one of the best 13-year-old tennis players in all of England and his dad just can't afford all that tennis stuff. So he decided to incorporate his son and sell shares. Investors help pay for his training, rackets and balls and William's sister beads, and in return they get a portion of his projected Wimbledon winnings. The stock's initial price offering (IPO) opened on the NASDAQ at about $20, but fell to just $1 5/16 on the news that Alan Greenspan would not be cutting interest rates until at least next quarter.

Not to laugh at someone else's misery...

But HAHAHHAHAHAHHAH. Razorfish, my former employers, are offering worker bees in their San Francisco, Boston and London offices a chance to "voluntarily" terminate themselves. It's kind of like a game of Russian Roulette. Voluntarily leave the company, with a primo compensation package, but be stuck without a job in a time when no one is hiring (believe me on this one), or wait it out and see if you will be one of the folks to go in the next round of lay-offs (which are supposed to happen Friday).

Let me just say, I love a lot of the people I know still working there, and I'd hate to see them out of work, voluntarily or not. But, the more I hear about those fucks in management, both from articles like this and from folks on the inside, the more I want this company to go down and go down hard. Like a New Jersey schoolgirl.

I want to see Razorfish go bye-bye and all of the company management to finally take the responsibility for their screw-ups. I want to see Jeff Dachis and his ugly little dog having to beg for money at the Port Authority. Is that too much to ask?

In sometimes I can be pretty Daft but not in that cool Punk way news...

So, there is this office supply store in the U.S. called Staples. I always though that it referred to staples, the things you put inside a stapler. But, according to Webster (how many bad school essays have begun that way?) a staple is also something having widespread and constant use or appeal. Bread and milk are staples, for example. So, I just now had this sort of revelation about the double meanings for the name of the store.

You know, other people have revelations about spirituality, or art, or ideas for inventions, or how to solve society's problems, I have revelations about why office supply stores are named the way they are.

I posted late yesterday and early today so if you didn't get a chance to read about my cold ass and brush with fame, now seems like as good a time as any.