i dont like mondays

by mg at 12:20 AM on March 12, 2001

In who can afford plastic surgery news...

Father Aidan Doyle described the man who tried breaking into his room as kinda funny-lookin', more than most people, even. Police announced they'd brought in Steve Buscemi for questioning.

Maybe if he'd thrown in a PlayStation 2...

Mark Cobb offered his next-door neighbor, Carlos Robles, $50 to have sex with Robles' wife. Apparently Cobb's offer wasn't sweet enough because the two men got into a fight that ended with Robles stabbing Cobb in the face with a screwdriver.

A couple days later, Robles confronted Cobb again, this time with a handgun and one bad attitude. He fired a couple shots at Cobb before being subdued by the police.

Apparently a two day waiting / cooling-off period before buying a handgun is just not long enough when someone wants to do your wife for $50.

Lorena Bobbit eat your, uh, heart out...

The men of Bonn, Germany can stop sleeping on their stomachs now as "The Snipper"

is finally subdued. For 18 months Magda Husemann has been running around town snipping male genitalia like she was a Wisconsin housewife on coupon day.

Investigators think Husemann had been hurt by a man in the past (you think?) and was taking it out by slipping into men's apartment at night and depriving them of their manhood. Since the summer of 1999 she had chopped off 13 penis' (peni?). Police recovered all of the members, which had "been carefully preserved in jars -- each jar stuffed inside a Christmas stocking. " Ho, ho, ho!

Doin' it can make you go blind...

A doctor at the University of Maryland Medical Center has discovered five cases of blindness in patients being treated with Viagra. Representatives from Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, say he is just making something there that wasn't there before. That he is making a big deal out of a little problem. That he is only making this announcement to get a rise out of the media. And so forth.

Feel free to make up your own erection / Viagra / blindness joke. It's a fun way to pass the work day!

Parachutist lands on a beer vendor at a coleslaw wrestling match. No, really.

High winds whipped the parachutist off his mark, and it all happened so quick that the victim, poor Sherri Lee, didn't have time to heed the warnings of "move, dummy" yelled by helpful some onlookers.

And people say that coleslaw wrestling is fake.

Oops, I did it again, I ran over a protester with my tank...

In efforts to subvert the subversiveness of rock 'n' roll music the Chinese government has created three of their very own pop supergroups. And you thought Aerosmith, Britney and the Backstreet Boys at the Superbowl was just a marketing move.

In I've got nothing funny to say about this but boy is it a cool story news...

British officials are working on a system to allow bus riders to find out how late their bus is using a cellular phone. Each stop will be provided a unique code which passengers can use to track a buses distance and estimated time of arrival. I think that kicks ass. Now if they could only get cell phones to work when your in the tubes.