double-stuffed with extra goodness

by mg at 12:25 AM on March 16, 2001

Since I missed yesterday this issue of Bad Samaritan is double-stuffed with extra special doom and gloom.

If your wife is a transsexual why do you need to castrate yourself?

This... story... too... strange... Go... read... self... If you don't feel like going to read the article here are the Cliff Notes: Transsexual is accused of castrating and killing her sixth husband only three days after he returned home from drug rehab. When police searched their trailer they found "dead animals, including turtles, a parakeet and a cat that had been strung up in a tree in the back yard." Upon hearing about the castration, murder and arrest a neighbor is quoted as saying "That's the best news I've heard."

It turns out the couple had ordered the Ronco Home Castration kit after seeing an infomercial and agreeing that their prior purchases, a Flowbie, a Food Dehydrator and a Pocket Fisherman, had all proved so useful that they had nothing to lose, especially with the lifetime money back guarantee. Ronco President Ron Popeil announced they'd be withdrawing the Home Castration Kit from the market until they could figure out how to solve that whole pesky death thing.

Till death do us paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart...

A Colorado man dying of cancer admitted to police that he killed his wife by shoving her into the Grand Canyon. He said that after seeing such a wondrous natural beauty he realized what an awful life he had and what a huge bitch his wife was. Or perhaps I made that up.

Police had always suspected the man of killing his wife but were never able to find enough evidence to prove it. When they heard he was dying they thought he might confess. He did confess to that murder and also admitted to police that in 1978 he'd killed his first wife and two teenage children. Looking back on his actions he did have some regrets, namely that his second wife had divorced him before he'd gotten a chance to kill her too.

They just grow up so fast...

Two 12-year-old Florida girls have been charged with attempted murder after trying to drown one of their classmates. What could have possibly caused these pre-pubescent girls to fly into a murderous rage? Was it Barbie envy? Irreconcilable differences over the dance styles of N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys? A philosophical debate over whether Hello Kitty or Sailor Moon is cuter? All perfectly valid reasons for murder, but no, the drowning was attempted because the girl wouldn't lend her mates her flippers.

I remember stabbing this kid in the head with a G.I. Joe pencil because he wouldn't let me use his Thundercats eraser. But I was 14 at the time. Girls really do mature faster than boys.

Six foot plank through hand, the hitchhikers secret weapon...

The very unlucky Jonathan Harper was pulling up floorboards when a six-foot piece of wood fell on his hand and a three-inch nail punctured his knuckle. A three-inch nail punctured his knuckle. Ouch! Harper was able to dial for help and waited outside for the ambulance to show. "I waved to one bloke as he came up the street," he said. I wonder how they knew it was him?

Harper also said the "the hand didn't really hurt much" and that things could have been worse...

Circular saw accident gives man jigsaw puzzle penis...

A Russian coffin-maker was hard at work when his circular saw got a little too close to his "special area" and got caught in his trousers. Before he knew it, he'd mangled his member and the man, and 5 penis bits, were rushed to the hospital.

Probably the only time this was ever said, but, luckily the man lived in Moscow, where they've got a special Emergency Care for Men department and penis expert Pyotr Shcheplev. Shcheplev specializes in trauma to the male genitalia and unlike with Humpy Dumpty, was able to put this penis bag together again.

In I bet this guy wishes he lived in Moscow news...

Weddings can be quite stressful events. It's especially stressful if you are the one getting married. It's even more stressful if you are the bridegroom and get into a fight with one of the guests. And, let's just say that it is a bad sign for the wedding, not to mention the honeymoon, if you are the bridegroom and you get in a fight with a guest and he ends up biting off your testicle.

Ito beware...

A Guatemalan judge was hacked to death by an angry mob after releasing two rape suspects for insufficient evidence. The judge managed to shoot and kill two of his attackers before the crowd of over 1000 people overcame him. The angry mob eventually killed him with sticks, hacked his body up with machetes and set the courthouse on fire.

In related news, CBS TV has announced that they've picked up Mark Burnett's new reality program for the fall season. The show will be a crossover with Court TV, star Judy Sheindlin and be sponsored by AKI Knife and Machete.

Georgia Senate encourages teenage threeways...

Many in the Georgia, house and senate, like Rep. Warren Massey, have a lot of "concern (about) 16-year-old drivers out there single-dating without the moral protection of another couple in the back seat just to keep the temperature down." They've been debating whether to change the law which makes it illegal for 16 and 17 year-old drivers to carry more than one passenger.

They believe they'll be able to cut down on teenage promiscuity and pregnancy by allowing kids to include another couple in on the fun. We think Massey is just trying to bring key parties to a whole new generation. The mores the better.

Today's revalation

Today I've finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I want to be a writer on Blind Date. And for once I'm not even kidding. Can anyone help me out with this? Or with any similar writing gig?