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mg

crime, punishment, leather, large mammals

by mg at 12:31 AM on March 19, 2001

D-E-A-D, it's sad to say that he is D-E-A-D...

In more dead celebrity news, Village person, Glenn Hughes, died 03/4 at age 50. Hughes, who played the persona of the "The Leatherman" (aka "The Biker") in the only band that ever mattered, The Village People. He requested to be buried In The Coffin wearing his trademark hat, chains and leather pants. He was quite a macho man, and was loved by many. I remember meeting him one warm spring night down in the meat-packing district... leather chaps can be so convenient sometimes.

What if I told you that you could have a new Apple G4 Titanium delivered right to your door for just $19.99? You'd think I was crazy, wouldn't you?

And you'd be right. Crazy like an l33t fox. Apparently, hackers have found a way to quickly and easily change the prices of products at many on-line stores. The hack allows users to enter in any price they want for an item. A new Dell laptop for $36. A Cartier watch for $19.50. Tickets to Paris on United Airlines for $25. It's just that easy. According to software security experts, 30% of all U.S. stores and 40% of all UK stores are susceptible to the price-changing hack.

You want me to tell you how to do it, don't you? Well, I could explain it here and half of you wouldn't understand, and the other half would just want more information, so I'll just provide the link and you can go read it (or not) yourselves. You greedy, thieving bastards. Let me know if it works, though.

One murder, one dismemberment, no wood chipper...

Pyotr Valeryevich Shmelev walked into the Minneapolis, Minnesota Police Department's homicide unit last week and admitted to killing his wife, severing her head and dismembering her body. He then drove more than 500 miles in order to drop her body bits into the Missouri River.

Shmelev and his wife were Russian immigrants and had lived in the States for several years. Well, comrade, maybe you can get away with that kind of thing back in Mother Russia, but not in the good ol' US of A. Unless you are a Heisman Trophy winning football star and also happen to lop off the head of your wife's waiter boyfriend.

After killing his wife Shmelev kept her head in his car's glove box for another three weeks. I remember I once left half a cheeseburger in my car for almost a month. Anyway, a glove box seems like an odd place to keep a head. People are always putting things in weird places...

Towards the end of every month I always find myself asking "Where did all my money go?"

If I were more like Regina Griffin, it might just be hiding in one of my "more private areas." Griffin was arrested last year on drug charges and in the course of a routine strip search $2,141 "just kind of fell out of her" beaver, say Beaver County police officials. The joke here is entirely too easy, so I'll just shut up and move on. Okay, no I wont.

The sheriff's office didn't want the money. The District Attorney didn't like having it around. And even the banks wouldn't take the money. Officials decided to donate the money to the Saint Anthony Children's Home. Speaking for the orphans, 6-year-old lil' Timmy Flanagan turned the money down, saying "We could really use that money to buy ourselves some warm blankets, toys and medicine," but are returning it "because it smelled funny."

Not as clever a beaver, but still a place to stash some cash...

Carlton Meredith was looking to top Griffin's and inclusion in the 2001 Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Currency Carried in a Bodily Orifice." Like Griffin, Meredith was arrested on drug charges, for smoking marijuana inside an Amarillo, Texas bus station. During the strip search police found more than $8,000 in cash and more than $4,000 in money orders hidden within Meredith's buttocks.

Officials decided to donate the money to the St. Anthony Children's Home. Speaking for the orphans, 6-year-old lil' Timmy Flanagan turned the money down almost immediately, saying "We could use the money to buy ourselves some warm blankets, toys and medicine," but we returning it "because it smelled funny."

Babar to creationists: Take that!

Just what do you do if you are the world's largest land mammal and you've got a whole country out that wants to kill you and use one of your body parts to make piano keys? Kill Billy Joel, Elton John and Tori Amos? No, you just get rid of that body part. At least that's what you do if you are an African elephant.

By the 1960s poachers looking to cash in on their ivory tusks had hunted elephants almost to extinction. But in the last several years wildlife authorities have noticed something strange happening to the elephants. Previous surveys have shown as few as 1% of elephants being born without tusks. Now, as many as 30% of adult elephants are naturally without tusks.

And without tusks, poachers have no reason to kill the elephants besides the sheer joy of taking another life. As a result, the elephant population has skyrocketed. Things have gotten so good for Africa's trunked population that their ranks now need to be thinned.

Which is where the new Dutch reality show, "The Big Diet," comes in. Twelve large mammals will be locked in a house for 13 weeks where they will be forced to lose weight or get their fat asses kicked out of the house and lose the chance to win almost half a million dollars.

Your money or your lif-, on second thought, just gimme your money...

Legal news from Iowa, my former home-on-the-range, where an appeals court has ruled that James Edward Heard was not guilty of robbery. Heard was arrested two years ago after walking into a convenience store with a paper bag over his head and asking the cashier for all her money. The court noted that the legal definition of robbery requires physical contact, a threatening gesture or at least nonverbal physical movement, and it reversed Heard's conviction.

And to think, all that time in college when I had to donate plasma just to scrape up enough money for beer and pizza when all I really had to do was ask. Now that I'm unemployed, it's getting a little hard to scrape up money for beer and pizza again. I wonder would will happen if I walk into convenience store here in New York City with a bag on my head and a politely phrased request for money?

comments (2)

testing

by mg at March 24, 2002 12:56 PM


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