mg

live (nude) girls

by mg at 05:13 AM on March 31, 2001

There are a couple of my friends that I've known since elementary school, which is kind of weird since we'd all ended up at different junior high and colleges and (some of us) never got along in elementary school.

So, my friend, Brion, ran into one of our elementary school classmates a couple weeks ago, and she invited him to a play she was going to be in. He, of course, invited the rest of us along. The play was last night. Brion told me where this play was being perfomed, a place called "Show World." Immediately, the thought that ran through my mind was that "Show World" sounded like the name of a strip club. I said, "Uh, Brion, what kind of play is this?" He didn't really know, he isn't much up on getting details.

I asked where Show World was. 42nd Street and 8th Avenue. If you who know New York City you know what kind of neighborhood that address is in. When Times Square was cleaned up a few years ago, when Disney and MTV and Viacom swept through, all the strip clubs, peep shows and XXX video stores moved out. But not far. They moved from Times Square outwards toward the rivers, out towards 7th ,8th and 9th avenue.

So, to hear the address 42nd street and 8th avenue and to hear the theatre name "Show World" my first and only thought was that our old elementary school friend was now a stripper. I was impressed. She was cute as a button in elementary school and incredibly hot when I'd last ran into her a couple of years ago. And now she was performing in a strip club. I couldn't quite believe it. She had always been kind of straight and narrow when she was younger. But things change, I suppose.

It would be nice to see her again and catch up, and the thought of being able to see her naked, heck to see anyone naked, would have been enough to get me there.

So, we went.

The place, Show World, was, indeed, a burlesque house. There were signs for the typical Times Square 24¢ peep shows, but also signs for plays that had been performed there before. Since Brion didn't even know the name of the play, we still weren't sure this was the right place. I was simultaneously hoping that it was and that it wasn't. On the one hand, naked chicks, on the other, the chance of running into someone you know as your walking out of the place. "Oh, hello there Reverand Camden, I was just in the porn house watching a friend perform. That's right, no need to mention this to my mother."

While me and Brion were trying to decide whether to go in or not, some kid we went to high school with went in. We asked if he was there for the show. He said "I'm really drunk," and went in. I watched him go in head straight to the little private booths in the back of the place.

When me and Brion finally went in, we found the theatre to be upstairs, away from the nudity. The place smelled spunky. This was the right place and we bought our tickets and kind of hung out, looked around, felt really awkward, and made sure not to touch anything.

The upstairs had a balcony that looked out over the main part of the place. As we were waiting I was watching the mop-pusher clean out one of the little booths. I'd heard lots of jokes about mop-pushers in porn shops, but now to actually see it made me really stop and think about things. All I kept thinking as I was watching this guy was that "as bad as my life is right now, it could be worse. I could be that guy."

I felt good about my life for the first time in a long while.

So, the play ended up being A Clockwork Orange. Wow. Cool. Rock on. But, wait. Oh, no, there's more. The play is actually A Clockwork Orange : The Musical. Hmm. The possibility of a naked musical based on a book/movie about violence and sex is somehow very intriguing.

When we got into the theatre, it was empty. I can not express how frightening it is to be inside a porn theatre, alone, with another dude. Anyway, people started to roll in eventually. Then the lights went down and the show started. Damn. Clothing. I was disappointed, but not for long. It was actually a very good show. And I'm not just saying that because my friend who was in the play might be reading this. It was a very good performance. The choice of venues added to the whole clockwork orange experience, the costumes were excellent, the actor's performances were fantastic. There were a couple of the actors who were just incredible.

I actually fell in love with the actor who was playing Alex. Let me point out that Alex and her droogies were all females. Over the course of the two hours I kind of fell in love with the actress who played Alex. And I enjoyed myself. I think I need to spend more time in burlesque houses.

comments (34)

mg

woo hoo!

by mg at 04:59 AM on March 30, 2001

So, when I said I wouldn't post today, I lied. But it was a good lie. I've been working on a new way of updating the site that isn't such a pain in the ass and would allow me more time to actually write stuff funny stuff rather than fucking with all the technical stuff that no one even notices anyway.

So, I've decide to use GreyMatter. It kicks ass. It just took me a while to figure it out. But it works now. Mostly. I'll have to take some time figuring out how to combine the old style posts with the new ones, but you don't care, do you?

Some of the cool new things I can do with greymatter:

* Easily allow multiple authors

* Allow readers to post comments to, uhm, my comments

* Allow readers to rate individual comments. That'll help me know what I should do more off

* There are probably more, but uhm, you don't care

So, isn't this a beautiful thing? It seems as if everything actually works. It only took about 2 days. But it works and is beautiful. I kiss you Noah Grey!! You are a genius!

comments (2)

mg

the sun never sets on the british cleavage

by mg at 03:19 AM on March 30, 2001

Media whoring isn't always so bad. The Sun, the UK's version of the New York Post (actually, it probably is the other way around), knows how to work the whole tabloid thing. Working with Gossard, a lingerie company, they've put together National Cleavage Week, with the culmination of the week being today, National Cleavage Day.

It sounds all official and stuff, but it is really just an excuse to see women without shirts on. I guess you don't really need an excuse for that, but having one makes you seem like less of a perv.

comments (1)

mg

media whore diddy

by mg at 03:19 AM on March 30, 2001

The New York Post, which can hardly be called a newspaper, but news of Puff Daddy's name change on the cover of yesterday's paper. Was there no bigger news in a city of 8 million people? No bigger news in a country of 280 million? No bigger news in a world of 4 billion? Right. He says the name change comes from his wanting to shake free of the connection between the "Puff Daddy" name and gang violence. His new name, "P. Diddy," was given to him by the late Notorious B.I.G., who was gunned down in the East Coast-West Coast rap wars. Yes, I'm sure the best way to shake off the stigma of gangsta rap is to choose a name given to you by a guy who was shot to death. Puff Daddy will officially become P. Diddy the first week in June. He is going to have a name-change ceremony. I wonder, what do you wear to a name changing ceremony? Do you need to bring a gift? Puffy still insists that the witnesses who testified he had a gun were lying in an effort to profit from lawsuits against him. Puffy said that "a lot of people want to make money without working hard." No irony there, Mr. Every Breath You Take.

comments (3)

mg

dry as a dead dingo's donger

by mg at 01:05 AM on March 29, 2001

Paul "Crocodile Dundee" Hogan doesn't "like or admire humour that is malicious. " And who does, really? So, during a recent appearance on an Australian television program to promote the new Crocodile Dundee movie, Hogan was disturbed by the act of Scott Capurro, an American comedian.

Capurro's act included jokes about performing oral sex on Jesus Christ during the crucifixion. Hogan said he was shocked such a performance was shown on free-to-air TV. I'm shocked, too, actually. But not so much about the comedy thing as by the fact that they are letting Paul Hogan star in another movie. Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles? Crikey!

[ giving you my fragrant meat, doggy style ]

One of China's solutions to the growing Mad Cow threat is making someone else mad, the Swiss. The normally neutral people of Switzerland are all up in arms because St. Bernards, the

"gentle giants famed for rescuing people in the Alpine snows of Europe," are being bred for meat.

"Driven by increasing demand to boost meat yields, dog breeders have been drawn to Saint Bernards because they are huge, resistant to disease and prolific, with annual litters of around eight to twelve puppies, double that of other dogs. " There are currently 48 St. Bernard breeding stations throughout China, with a total of 5,000 dogs. The dogs / meat is sold for approximately $2 US per pound.

A spokesperson for the International Fund for Animal Welfare asked, "if a Chinese cannot understand why Swiss people get so upset that they are eating St. Bernards, I would ask that same question: If Swiss people eat China's panda, how would Chinese feel?" I don't know how the Chinese would feel, but I'm feeling a little turned on. Call me kinky, but all this talk of Swiss Misses eating Chinese Panda makes me hot.

[ he shoots. he scores. goal! goooal! goooooooooooooooal! ]

Austalian Rugby bad boy John Hopoate will face the league judiciary, after accusations that he inserted his finger in several players' anuses during a match last week. What?! I'm not familiar with the rules of Rugby, but you can get in trouble for that kind of thing? On my intramural volleyball team in college we inserted all sorts of things in other player's anuses. Same thing on my high school softball and track teams. Though, it was sometimes hard to run with a finger in my crack, I can't imagine playing the game any other way.

What kind of sport doesn't involve a little anal probing? Jeez, you Aussies sure are weird.

[ what's in the bad samaritan's mailbag? ]

Got some mail in response to Wednesday's reader mail extravaganza:

from : tom

yo, your posting from today means that a lot of fucked up people read this site. if i were you, i'd invest in a cork and wear it in your ass at all times.

tom is always looking out for my ass. Tom and me go way back to when we played on the same little league baseball team. Good times. Good memories.

[ spice girl picture of the day ]

Baby Spice

[ i'm afraid of americans ]

In regards to my trying to start up a webring for american weblogs, Stacey from kiss my lilly white ass had this to say:

I AM AMERICAN....

I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or generally well-liked.

I don't live in a clean place,

and I don't eat nutritiously very often.

I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, Although I'm certain they weren't American.

I drink watery beer.

I don't use utensils when eating.

I believe in guns for settling disputes, not discussions.

And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T.

I don't say 'you're welcome' in response to 'thank you' , I say 'Uh Huh'

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack......until I go anywhere.

Burger King IS fine dining and Miss America is a virgin.

Ketchup IS a vegetable and WWF wrestling is real.

The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world, The FIRST nation of ignorance, And the BEST part of South America!

My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray, I'm married to my sister, AND I AM AMERICAN!

Stacey isn't actually American. She is Canadian. I think this was supposed to be satire.

Prove to Stacey, and playa-haters around the world, that Americans aren't stupid, lazy, and ignorant. Join the ameriBLOGs webring today!

But, to respond. I know I'm not rude. I always say 'please suck me' and 'thank you, bitch.' I don't own a gun (I own a high-powered assault rifle). I haven't been in a Burger King in years (though I think I could go for some fries and a shake right now). I love beer, real beer, and lots of it. I'm not married to my sister, she's my cousin, thank you very much.

And I think, if anything, the news on this site shows people all over the world are stupid. Personally, I know I'm not stupid. I've read Shakespeare's plays. I've seen Da Vinci's paintings. And I've watched Gutenberg's movies. Police Academy 4 was the best.

But even if everything that Stacey said was true about me, I would still be proud to be an American. And I'd show that pride by joining the ameriBLOGs webring. Now, that is pride! Your Uncle wants you to join the ameriBLOGs webring.

[ an open letter to queen elizabeth ]

Dear Queen Elizabeth,

I'm writing to you as a representative of the citizen's of the United States of America, well, maybe only half of them, but if recent elections are any indication half is more than enough.

As representative, I'd just like to apologize for the Declaration of Independence thing. It was just a prank. You know, like the Jerky Boys. Didn't you guys get the joke?

And that whole Boston Tea Party thing? The guys just had a bit too much to drink and went a

little crazy for a while. They've since slept it off and are awfully sorry about any inconvenience that may have caused.

So, I bet your asking you Royal self, just why, after all these years, us Yanks are apologizing. Well the answer is simple, we want back into the Empire. We thought if we said we were sorry, you might take us back. Can you do that? Within the next 24 hours? Otherwise, we can probably just wait till next year about this time.

Anxiously awaiting your response,

           mg

In completely unrelated news, tomorrow is National Cleavage Day in the United Kingdom.

(was that too long to go for the joke? yeah, well, screw you too!)

mg

your source for humping news

by mg at 12:58 AM on March 28, 2001

If you live in San Francisco and read the Examiner in the mornings, can I just suggest that you wash your hands before licking the Krispy Kreme donut remnants of your fingers. You see, San Francisco Examiner news boxes (you know, where you put in the quarter, open the door and take as many newspapers as you can sell) have recently been vandalized in quite a new and odoriferous manner.

Someone has been smearing feces into the coin slots and the on the handles. And this isn't just a childish prank, last week at least 25 boxes were hit. According to the article, "the growing amounts of the feces suggests a concerted operation to gather and store the droppings. " This attacks appear to be organised, most likely by the Examiners local competition, the San Francisco Chronicle.

So, if you read the Examiner a good rule of thumb would be to sniff the open before you go into any box or handing over any money. Guys, that's a good rule in life as well. And if you don't want to be bothered with all that, how about you just get all your news on-line. Perhaps even right here at badsamaritan.com?

[ why can't i find someone to love ]

Sauren Crow, 48 recently married Sierra Dawn Kirkpatrick, 15. Kirkpatrick isn't even pregnant and her mom is still fine with the marriage, she even approves of it. Kirpatricks's father, however, doesn't. He filed a motion in a Nevada court a few weeks ago to annul the marriage. According to Nevada law, a teen-ager 15 or younger can be married if at least one parent convinces a judge that the marriage is in the child's best interests.

A local judge denied the father's motion, despite the fact that Crow has been convicted of domestic violence for a 1994 incident involving his ex-wife, and that he is 48 and all wrinkly and gross. The case in now being brought before the Nevada Supreme Court.

In filing his writ before the court Bruce Kirkpatrick's lawyer wrote that "it's obscene for a 48-year-old man to be married to a 15-year-old girl." He admitted, though, that it was perfectly okay to pay one for sex.

[ mommy dearest ]

A Wisconsin mother who, in 1997, plead guilty to charges that she kept her 7 year-old daughter locked in a dog cage, in addition four other felonies, is asking for her 14 year sentence to be modified. The daughter was found in an unheated basement locked inside a 24-by-17 cage. Though that sounds much better than my last New York City apartment, the girl was also found covered in her own feces. Which still sounds better than my last date.

The girl's parent's, Angeline and Michael Rogers, were turned in by one of their four sons. The boy, 11, walked barefoot, in below freezing weather, more than 5 miles, and uphill in both directions, to the local police station and told them that his sister was being kept in a cage.

As part of their plea arrangement the parents were sentenced to just one year in jail and 10 years of probation. Both served their sentence but Angeline is currently serving another 14 years for failing to report for a probation meeting and going on a 10 day flight from the law that ended in Texas, as most flights from the law do.

In related news, the Fox Network have announced they will be airing a re-tooled version of The Family Guy as a mid-season replacement. In the original version of the show, that has already failed twice on Fox, the family consisted of a baby genius and a talking dog. The new version of the show will feature a baby treated like a dog and a son who talks to the cops.

[ simply addictive ]

I've got a friend who plays Sims, an addictive video game that allows you to control the lives virtual people. You can have your Sims marry, work, watch TV, redecorate the living room, and adopt children. My friend tries to make his Sims turn to live's of crime or get into lesbian relationships. My friend, in fact, several friends, are addicted to Sims. As are the 3.5 million other people, who've bought the game since it came out last year.

Will Wright, the creator of the Sims game, recently announced plans to introduce Sims Online, an expansion to the original game. Sims Online will allow individuals controlling their Sims to interact with the Sims of other individuals playing the game. There will be different Sim towns and cities and each Sim community will grow and change as real people command their Sims to interact and create all the virtual representations of real life. There will be Sim cafes, Sim shopping malls, Sim sports clubs, and Sim bowling alleys. There will be Sim office buildings, and Sim unemployment offices. There might even be Sim bordellos and Sim crack houses.

Now those 3.5 million people already addicted to the game will never have to interact with real people again. Just have your Sim do it for you. Now I never have to leave the house. I mean, my friend never has to leave the house.

[ old news ]

Some old news stories I'd kept around for one reason or another but never got to writing anything about and probably never will:

I bet your wondering about what kind of readers a site like this has? The kind that write letters like this.

comments (1)

mg

letter schmetters

by mg at 12:50 AM on March 27, 2001

Eric from Lovers Caught on Tape loves my site. He told me so and I believe him. Why would he lie?

He loved my site so much, he put up a link on his site, which has pictures of naked people, and well, lovers caught on tape. That kind of site gets a lot of hits. I don't know why, but people seem to like the porn. Except, perhaps, St. Jude Children's Hospital. Since he put the link up I've gotten a pretty healthy stream of traffic from his site. I was looking for some way to thank him and this was the e-mail I sent him asking what I could do:

From: mg@badsamaritan.com

To: eric

can i just say i love you? did you ever know that your my hero? you are sending a lot of hits my way. enough hits so i almost think i should give up this whole writing thing a just be posting up pics of naked people. i guess i'm a big link whore too.

i wish i could send as many hits back at you, but my site is still kind of growing. like i said, i love you and i love your hits and will do just about anything to keep getting them. do you want me to send you naked pictures of myself or something?

And this was Eric's respone to my generous offer:

From: eric

Tell you what you can do for me. Keep your clothes on, and keep writing funny stuff. I don't know if I've got the constitution for naked comedy writers.

Pretty funny Eric. Seems like you've got a bit of a comedy writer inside of you. And it isn't me. But the offer stands. Any webmaster who can generate as healthy a flow of traffic to Bad Samaritan as lovers caught on tape does will get some bonafide nudie pics of me. So, like they say over there at Salon.com, send me the hits and I'll show you my tits.

From : lj

hey bunny. this fucking rules. i intend to be a regular. if i am really good, will you publish my pornographic stories? love, LJ

Oh my god, yes. Please do LJ.

Another offer, if anyone wants to send me original pornographic stories, and really, even original non-pornographic stories, I will publish them.

This may seem hard to believe now, but one day I will find a job, and when I do, I won't have the time to dedicate the same 4 hours a day to finding interesting news stories and writing pithy lead-ins for them that I do now. I mean, if I did that I wouldn't even have time to watch Digimon. Did I say Digimon? I meant to say Dildomon. ("Dildomon armor digivolve to... Magicwandomon!")

Anyway, if you would like to join the staff you are more than encouraged to do so. Knowledge of the Fox Kids day-time programming schedule not required. Just send me some of that electronic mail.

And if all you want to do is send in the occasional random pornographic story or two, please do. It would make me gloriously happy. And it would make me happier still if you happen to be as hot as LJ is.

From : snaggle

"I remember meeting him one warm spring night down in the meat-packing

district... leather chaps can be so convenient sometimes" *** (quoted from Mar 19)

Wow! That's a level of vulgarity I didn't expect out of you! *horrifically

amused*

That is what Bad Samaritan is all about. To horrify and amuse. Sometimes simultaneously, sometimes horrify alone. Sometimes amuse alone. Sometimes horrify and then later amuse. Sometimes... well, you get the picture.

I have not yet reached my ultimate level of vulgarity. In fact, that level is directly proportional to the amount of hits the site gets. The equation would go something like this:

           e=mc2

where e is vulgarity, m is mg and c is hits. So it may seem like I've reached an absolute level of vulgarity, but as you can see form the above equation, it is all relative. (oh god. i'm sorry. i pledge to never do a physics joke again)

From: douglas@

Hi there,

I truly appreciate your site. I think if we met at a Sat. barbecue or something, we'd both figure out a way to make it memorable.

Thanks for a bunch of laughs!

Regards,

Douglas C.

Dude. I'm flattered and all, but, hmm, you know... I don't really swing that way. Yeah, that's right, even with all my talk about hanging around down in the meat district, I am really not quite what I make myself out to be. You see, it is all really just an act. A character I put on for the website.

I feel really confortable and loved around you people, so I am going to share something very deep and personal. Something I've not even revealed to my family and kept locked up in a closet for so many years. Yes, it is true, in reality... I'm a vegetarian.

I hope everyone can be open minded about this revelation. This doesn't change who I am at all. Please don't tie me to the bumper of your pickup truck and drag me around. I am human just like you. If you prick me do I not squeal?

From : tom

i read badsamaritan.com and ilikejsaon.com every day. i also play with myself every day.

That's funny. We've got a lot in common. You read Bad Samaritan. I write Bad Samaritan. You like Jason. I like Jason. You play with yourself every day. I play with myself everyday. Dude, we should get together and hang out at a barbecue or something.

[ some random entertainment news ]

Is it wrong to like the WB network? I've even started watching, and enjoying, 7th Heaven. Today I actually used an episode of Angel to make a deep philosophical point. Twice. Not once. Two times. Someone please stop me before I watch again.

Now for some real news...

[ like a naked candle in the wind ]

Would you pay $475,000US for nude pictures of Marilyn Monroe? Right, me neither. Would you click on a link for nude pictures of Marilyn Monroe? Right, me too.

Actually, Tom Kelley took some nude pictures of Marilyn Monroe before she became an icon. Those pictures eventually became the basis for the Playboy centerfold. Kelley's son recently tried to sell the set of originals for close to half a million dollars. There were no takers.

Isn't that sad? That ho-bag Mandy from Temptation Island gets offered $1.5 million to pose nude for Playboy and yet they can't find a buyer for nude photos of Marilyn Monroe, the most beautiful woman to ever live (after Bjork). A sad day, indeed.

[ in, and speaking of nude pop-icon news ]

There is a rumor floating around that in the upcoming The Simpsons movie Bart Simpson will lose his cherry. This is just a rumor. Nothing more. Not only will there never be a Simpsons movie, but Bart has already lost his virginity. Yep, that's right. He lost his virginity to Chespirito, better know as the Bumblebee, who when called about the incident said "No me comentario." Publicists for the Simpson family have released called a press conference for Wednesday afternoon.

The incident is alleged to have occurred during a ski trip the cast took while on winter hiatus during the 1998-99 season. An anonymous source has admitted Bart confessed the incident did, in fact happen, and that is quoted as having said at the time, "That sure wasn't any butterfinger."

Anyway, back to news tomorrow. Until then, perhaps you'd like to read yesterday's Oscar review? Well, would ya?

mg

oscars schmoscars

by mg at 12:47 AM on March 26, 2001

03/26/01

After weeks of build-up and mounting tension the Mir landing wasn't quite the fiery ball of death and entertainment everyone expected it to be. Ditto the Oscars. Sound and fury, my friends. Sound and fury.

A bunch of narcissistic fucks who will make more money from one film than I will probably make in my entire life, for doing less work in a few weeks than I have already done in my short life. Bitter? Yes. Jealous? Yes. About to place a car bomb in Tom Hanks' Lexus? Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh my god, yes!

With that out of the way, the least said about the Oscars show, the better, but when have I ever tried to be better? Shit, I'll whore myself just as easy as the rest of you. So, without any more build-up or mounting tension, the 73rd annual Bad Samaritan Oscar commentation:

I think Steve Martin did a knock up job. It is too bad that being an excellent performer doesn't make you an excellent writer. That arrow through the head bit was great. And that "Wild and Crazy Guys" thing he did with Ang Lee, freaking fantastic.

Goldie Hawn presented the award for Best Original Score. It's been at least 50 years since Goldie Hawn was an original score. If you know what I mean.

I sometimes forget how much I am in love with Björk. Then I see her on some television show or hear her singing on the radio and I fall in love all over again. Björk was nominated for, and performed, I've Seen it All from Dancer in the Dark. The swan, perhaps, was over the top, but you have to give the woman a tremendous amount of credit for going up there on that giant Oscar stage all by her little Icelandic self. And to knock out that very difficult and demanding song in such damn wonderful fashion just makes me love her more than ever. *Swoon*

I doubt you read my little web site Björk, but if you do, I just wanted to say that the Academy is so out of touch. I mean, Bob Dylan? Really. English is his first language and he is more difficult to understand than you are (not that you are difficult to understand). Björk, you really deserved to have won that Oscar. You are so smart, and beautiful, and creative and have such a very lovely voice. I've got... I've kind of got a question for you, Björk.

Uhm, I know this is sudden and all, considering that you really hardly know me, but... but, would you marry me? I'd make a really good husband. I've got all your records. I like techno music, too. I've even been to Iceland. And I'm great in the sack.

So, you know, take your time. Think about it some. Maybe sleep on it. I understand if you don't get back to me right way since you'll probably have been out all night at some Oscar party and you've decided to sleep in today. But, you know, let me know. I love you. Call me.

Actually, now that I look at the swan again, I think it kind of worked.

Moving on, I hadn't realized that that Ring Lardner, Jr. died last year. That is awfully sad. Mash is one the my all-time favorite movies. Lardner, Jr.'s dad, Ring Lardner, was one the greatest American writers. Quit laughing. That isn't meant to be funny, just a statement. Can't I be serious every once in a while?

A lot of people have been wondering what the heck was with that that medal on Russell Crowe's chest? Well, we've got the exclusive story. You see, Mr. Crowe was a soldier in the Australian army when he was younger. Back during the Australia-Papau New Guinea war. After a hard several months in the field, his platoon was taking some R&R, surfing along the great barrier reef, when a shark was spotted. Crowe used his stunning good looks to, well, stun the shark before wrestling it to the death.

So you see ladies, not only is Crowe a super hunk, a Hollywood love-machine and fantastic actor but he is also a war hero. *Swoon*

One of the only women in Hollywood that Crowe hasn't bonked is Julia Roberts. I think, and not for that reason, that she just might be the most beautiful woman to have ever lived (next to Björk). If I was Russell Crowe, and heck, even if I was me, I'd want to shag her like a carpet, but did she deserve to win the Oscar? I'm not indignant, I really don't know. I've not seen the movie. Anyone?

You may or may not have deserved the award, but Julia, honey, even if you didn't think you would win, why not, you know, write a speech just in case. Everybody else who went up there did. I think that just goes to show Mrs. Roberts, what a complete and utter bitch you are. And the nerve you have to thank Benjamin "I left Law & Order to be Julia Roberts' Love Toy" Bratt, but not your poor, poor brother Eric? No swoon for you.

You know, Eric Roberts was in twelve movies last year. But he was not nominated for a single Oscar. What is up with that? I bet that even with those twelve credits last year Eric didn't match Julia's $20 million for one pic salary. Oh poor, poor Eric. (though he is born on the same date as me, so he has at least a little something something going for him)

[ britney spears, pepsi whore ]

The premiere of the new pepsi ad with Britney Spears during the Oscar's had Britney off showing all her talents. It was just okay. That girl certainly has sex appeal, if nothing else. And when it comes down to it, she doesn't have anything else. An appearance by Bob Dole and the disappearance of that annoying lil' pepsi girl were big pluses. Big pluses. I'm all about repeating myself today. All about repeating myself. Noticed?

You like reading old news stories. I know you do. Which is why I wrote some last week. so, go read them (if'n you haven't already).

mg

ask me no questions i'll tell you no lies

by mg at 12:43 AM on March 25, 2001

[ a poll ]

Would you prefer?

More news stories, less commentary

Fewer new stories, more commentary

More news stories, more commentary

Things are good the way they are

     
poll powered by freetools

I started up a webring for american weblogs called ameriBLOGs. You should go join it. It is new so I will probably let anyone in. Go join it.

You can now search the site. Cool! Just go down to the bottom of this column and there it is. So go search your little hearts out.

The site was down for about four hours yesterday. Sorry. It wasn't my fault for once.

You should all go vote for this site at the 2001 Weblog awards. Bad Samaritan is nominated in the Best New Weblog category. This is hardly the most prestigious award, but it would be awfully kick-ass to win. And if I win I promise to buy every one who voted for me a twinkie. Seriously. So, vote often and then vote oftener.

If you haven't already you should go vote for me here. And while you are at it, you should also vote for Justin over at f.u.b.a.r. Fortunately, we aren't nominated for the same categories, so a vote for me doesn't mean you can't vote for him too.

mg

mir, we hardly knew ye'

by mg at 12:41 AM on March 23, 2001

I'd planned this big "Good-bye Mir" thing for today, but due to a miscalculation about when Mir would actually crash land (okay, MY miscalculation), it doesn't really make sense to say good-bye to something that is already gone. Life's a bitch and then you crash and burn in the Pacific Ocean. *Sigh*

[ some of what i would have written if today were yesterday ]

Sometime today or tomorrow the Russian space station Mir will crash down to earth in a fiery ball of death that should destroy all life as we know it. Or, you know, not. Mir chunks are supposed to land somewhere in middle of the Pacific, just east of Australia. There is a tiny tiny chance that it might actually hit ground somewhere in Australia, causing dingoe and koala carnage for miles.

Mir has been around since 1986, more than 15 years, almost as long as Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Speaking of 80s pop culture sensations, hasn't Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff been missing for just about as long? Wouldn't it be funny if he'd been a cosmonaut on the station all these years and not just another flash-in-the pan gimmick-comedian? And wouldn't it be even funnier if Smirnoff was on Mir, and when it does land, it crashes on Paul Hogan or Kylie Minogue?

[ Yogi to Boo Boo: boo-hoo ]

William Hanna, one half of the cartoon team Hanna Barbera died Thursday. He was 90 years-old. In the more than 60 years that Hanna and creative partner Joseph Barbera worked together, they created dozens of world-famous characters, including Scooby Doo, Yogi Bear, the Flinstones, and Tom and Jerry.

Hanna died of natural causes, or possibly from seeing a photo of the cast for the new Scooby Doo movie.

[ let's pretend we're bunny rabbits ]

A research survey just completed in Italy has found that the use of carrots leads to wild sex. Duh. Will their next study involve the effects of combining tequila, Rohypnol, and anal lube?

[ Gretchen the Vampire Slayer ]

A Berlin woman is in custody after attacking three people in that matter of a few minutes. Such an event wouldn't normally be that big of a deal in a major Metro like Berlin, except this time the woman screamed that she was a vampire out for blood before attacking her first victim by biting her on the neck. She then ran into a went on to restaurant and bit a waiter on the neck. Next, she was back on the street, where she attacked on elderly woman with a shard of broken glass before biting her on the ear. She was finally subdued by police, but not before she was able to repeatedly bite them on the hands and arms.

It is times like this that I wish I lived someplace other than New York. Here someone homeless guy attacks you with brick, or you've got a group of thugs out to steal your walkman. I'd really rather have a 21 year-old girl bite me on the neck than have my wallet stolen. Actually, I'd probably be willing to give all the money in my wallet just so a 21 year-old girl would bite me on the neck.

[ Marrion Barry was just way ahead of his time ]

Rob Black wants to be the mayor of Los Angeles, he also just happens to be a porn entrepreneur. Black is the producer of such classics as "Ass Clowns," "Slap 'Er in the Crapper." and "Spearing the Chocolate Starfish" and president of the Xtreme Pro Wrestling league. So, why does a man like that want to be mayor? Well, Black says he remembers watching Diff'rent Strokes when he was younger and "they made like, y'know, a two-part 'to be continued' episode around the crew going to Los Angeles. Willis and Arnold were going to Los Angeles, they built this trip up to go to L.A., and I love it here, and that goes full circle as to why I'm running...I think L.A. has lost that luster. I guess I made a decision that I wanted to run for mayor and maybe try and bring back that vibe. "

A political candidate who sees civic pride in terms of 80s TV shows and, as one of Black's aides says, he is "probably the first mayoral candidate to ever use the word cunt in public." Finally, a candidate I can get behind. With lube.

[ A tale of two dads : dad 1 ]

Phillip Austin murdered his wife by stabbing and bludgeoning her to death. He had to use two knives in order to finish the job, as he broke the handle on the first after stabbing it through his wife's chest. After killing his wife he bludgeoned the family's dogs to death and went out to pick the kids up from school.

On the way home, he took the kids out for ice cream. They went back home and he was careful not to let the kids see the bloody corpses of their mother or the family pets. He gave them medicine to put them to sleep and put them to bed. He then strangled both his children to death.

Okay, a simple lesson for the parents out there, ice cream is good. Strangling to death is bad.

[ A tale of two dads : dad 2 ]

An Altoona, Iowa father was arrested last Sunday after his 15 year-old son's birthday party. It was quite a kick ass party. Dad provided the alcohol and pornographic videos for his son and 10 friends, all aged 14-16.

Pop faces up to 4 years in jail for exhibiting obscene material to minors, supplying alcohol to minors, and assaulting a police officer. Did I forget to mention that? When police, responding to an anonymous tip from a neighbor (the bastard), Dad kicked the officer in the leg, and required being sprayed with mace before submitting to the arrest.

Okay, a simple lesson for the parents out there, buying alcohol and showing porn to your kid's friends makes you cool. Fighting with police officers is just stupid.

Yesterday we reported on the Mad Cow Liberation Movement and hoof and mouth disease. Did you read it? Because if you didn't, you should.

mg

its a mad mad mad cow world

by mg at 12:38 AM on March 22, 2001

Mad Cow has been spreading throughout England for almost five years. And within the last few months has even spread onto the mainland of Europe, causing great panic throughout the world. Yesterday, for the first time, Mad Cow has been spotted in the United States.

But all the news reports have been wrong. Mad Cow is not, in fact, a disease, but rather a militant group of cows, mad at the thousands of years of cow slaughter by greedy and evil humans.

Cattle being killed in Great Britain are not infected with anything other than a thirst for revolution. They are prisoners of war and are being held and executed for nothing more than finally standing up for Cow rights.

Bad Samaritan has uncovered news from around the world of other species joining the Mad Cow

Liberation Movement. Don't look to other sources for this news, we are the only ones brave enough to report on this breaking story. Here are the reports our operatives have filed from around the world.

[ neither rain, nor sleet, nor gobble gobble gobble ]

Newton, Massachusetts' local, Newman, letter carrier Tim Hoban, is being terrorized by wild turkey. And for once I'm not talking about the alcohol. The 30-pound wild turkey has been hanging around the neighborhood Hoban delivers mail, and in all this time, it hasn't been a problem. But within the last few weeks,

href=http://www.thebostonchannel.com/bos/news/stories/news-51714820010301-110337.html>"George" as the turkey is nicknamed by Newton locals, has attacked Hoban five times.

There a several explanations for the recent attacks, but investigative reporters at Bad Samaritan have learned that the Mad Turkey, the militant wing of the International Association of Turkey's have joined with the Mad Cow Liberation Movement. A spokesman from Mad Turkey said, that George's efforts are just a part of a nationwide turkey movement to disable communications in the United States by disrupting mail delivery.

[ I smell something fishy ]

A group of Swedish scientists have been watching fish have sex and apparently the O in trout doesn't stand for Orgasm. At least not in more than half of the trout's sexual encounters.

When a trout couple are knocking fins, as they approach orgasm, both sexes quiver violently with their mouths open. After the big O, the pair simultaneously releases eggs and sperm to maximize the chances of fertilization.

But these sicko scientists who spend their time watching more than 100 trout matings, noticed that while the male always had a money shot, the female would hold back the eggs. If another, bigger, better trout came along, the female would mate with him too. If not, she'd just release her eggs to let the first male's little spermies do their thing. The scientists reported that the more a female trout faked an orgasm, the more money the male trout would spend on them.

[ Drunk again and looking to score ]

An atypically dry winter has forced the typically laid-back alligators of Florida to wander frequently into populated areas in search of water. The problem has gotten so severe that a phone line set up to help capture and relocate the wandering reptiles, had received over 175 calls within the first 3 days.

To add to the problem it's 'gator mating season and that makes them much more active than they would be. Officials have issued severe warning to Florida citizens to neither feed nor try to mate with any alligators they find wandering around their property.

However, K.H., our anonymous source deep within the Florida government, has passed information to Bad Samaritan that these 'gator attacks might be related to the Mad Cow Liberation Movement. Considering the trouble the government of Florida had last November, this might be the one story today that doesn't actually involve Mad Cow.

[ Bullwinkle to Rocky : Let's get jiggy! ]

A sex-starved Norwegian moose apparently mistook a Ford Ka, a very small little car, for a would be partner. After licking the car's headlights and tailpipe and after failing to get a response from the car, the moose took a dump on the car (a tactic I've often used on women who've rejected me). Or at least the moose wants you to believe he was just unlucky in love.

The attack was, we have learned, a test of a moose's ability to disable human modes of transportation. The moose have apparently are another species joining the ever growing movement to support the Mad Cow. It is believed that because of a moose's massive size and exceptionally fowl smelling excrement, that they could cripple human society in heavily moose populated areas, such as Norway, Canada, and Cicely, Alaska.

[ Another horny beast ]

With no apparent explanation, a rhinoceros in a Nepal national park has killed a 15-year-old boy. The rhinoceros knocked the boy down with his horn and then trampled him to death. He died within seven minutes of the attack. Park officials could find no reason for the attack, but we can only assume it has something to do with the Mad Cow.

[ Arf! Arf! Auf Wiedersehen! ]

The Berlin subway system was closed for more than an hour Monday morning after a dog jumped onto the tracks and hid under a train. The dog is believed to be a member of the Mad Cow Liberation Movement, and that this terrorist attack was an attempt to cripple the German economy. As a result of the train stoppage, many Berlin businesses opened late, causing the German stock exchange to drop 200 points, sending shockwaves throughout the European Economic Community.

[ Can I Supersize that for you? ]

Nedra Russell, a Detroit police officer, and mother of three, claims to have found a mice in a bucket of chicken she got in the drive-thru of local Church's Chicken/White Castle franchise.

Now, if you've ever been in a White Castle or Church's, you've certainly found something strange in your food, but this mouse was different than most you'd find in your typical fast food meal, it was alive.

Health officials note there has been no indication of rodentia at the store for more than five years, and the owner of the restaurant claims Russell is making up the story. But we've got a different take on the story. The mouse is an undercover agent for the Mad Cow Liberation Movement, and was sent to infiltrate the ranks of the Detroit Police Department. And it seems to have worked, Russell and her children have taken the mouse into their home as a pet.

Check back to Bad Samaritan daily for all your Mad Cow Liberation Movement information, from the only news organization brave enough to report on it.

If you haven't read our hard-hitting expose of Am I HOT or NOT you should do so now.

mg

the rating game, redux

by mg at 12:37 AM on March 21, 2001

[ the rating game, redux ]

Way back in 2000 I wrote this little essay on Am I HOT or NOT. I said it was going to be the biggest thing since Mahir and that there would be millions of Am I BLANK or Not clones capitalizing on its success and changing and improving (or not) the concept in a million ways.

So, now we are well into 2001 and the question is whether the Am I BLANK craze is still hot, or not?

The answer is, still hot. For the past five months Am I Hot has been the biggest thing on the Internet. Even with the world wide web's current love affair with bad video games, Japanese Engrish and mad fine photo-manipulation skills that we all know and love as all your base are belong to us, there is no 'net thing bigger than Rating/Ranking websites.

Ranking is such a prevalent meme that we've also gotten at least 20 known Am I BLANK or Not clones and a bunch more rating sites in various formats. Not only can you rate people Hot or Not, but you can rate them Goth, or Not, High or Not, Geek or Not and many other or Nots. You can also rank people's genitals, swimsuits, pets and more.

So, what is this craze all about? Uhm, duh. It's pretty obvious.

People like looking at hot people. They love porn on the Internet. People are also very narcissistic, everyone who posts their picture on Am I Hot thinks that they are Hot. All the pictures of ugly people up there were posted by people who are ugly and just don't know it or by people who were making fun of the ugly person in the picture. Everyone thinks they are hot and everyone, well, half the population, thinks they've got a nice rack.

The problem is, most people aren't hot. Or even luke warm. Which is where the second half of the HOT or NOT equation comes to play. People love being critics. All the dot.coms went kablooie! but it doesn't matter because the Internet has been, and always will be, about individuals expressing their opinions. Why they hell do you think this site exists? To force you poor saps to read my rambling and random musings and spelling/grammar mistakes.

So mix one half narcissism, one half criticism and one half pornography-ism, and what do you get? Am I HOT or NOT. This site should have come into existence years ago. It's remarkable that it took this long for someone to come up with it.

What isn't remarkable at all is that people have jumped so quickly on the bandwagon and are taking advantage of the popularity of the Am I HOT or NOT guy's concept and hard work. And I, of course, am one of them. The only reason I am doing this update to that older essay is because I still get tons of search engine hits to Bad Samaritan by people looking for the various Am I BLANK sites and clones.

So, as much in the interest of informing my audience as in insuring I continue to be the Internet's Number 1 source for sites where you can Rate peoples genitals, here is the 03/2001 Rating Game update:

[ Am I HOT or NOT ]

The original and still the best and most popular. If you've never been to Am I HOT or NOT before, this must be your first day on the Internet. I feel honored to have Bad Samaritan be your first web experience. I promise, I'll be gentle.

The concept, if you live in a cave, is people post a pictures of themselves and people rate that picture on a 10 point scale. 10 is HOT. 1 is NOT. Then all those scores are averaged together to get a cumulative HOT or NOT result. Simple, right?

[ Are THEY HOT or NOT ]

This is not a distinct site, rather a hack someone put together so that people can see the Am I HOT pictures based on the the cumulative rankings of those pictures. Only want to see the HOTTEST of the HOT? Only want to see the NOTTEST of the NOT. This is the place to do it.

*** This link might be dead, has the site moved permanently? Anyone know?

[ Am I ALL YOUR BASE or NOT ]

This flavor capitalizes on the success of the two hottest current Internet trends. The site is a collection of pictures from the infamous all your base are belong to us

video and pictures from, well, NOT the all your base video. The fun is trying to figure out which is which. Well, I guess it isn't really that fun. The site isn't half as entertaining as either Am I HOT or all your base.

[ Am I GOTH or NOT ]

I don't know why, but this is my favorite flavor of AM I BLANK site. I think it has something to do with this former roommate of mine who was a huge goth. Into the black nail-polish, bad attitude and bad music - The Smiths, Skinny Puppy, Bauhaus, and The Cure. I used to make fun of her relentlessly about, well, everything. I'm surprised she never killed me in my sleep. Anyway, I've since become big fans of both the goth music and the hot goth-girl look.

[ Am I ANNOYING or NOT ]

An interesting variation on the old, tired tradition. You get a picture of a celebrity and are asked the question of whether they are ANNOYING or NOT. The site's authors, (one of whom emailed me asking for inclusion on this list) write up little bios on each of the celebs citing reasons to consider them ANNOYING or NOT. The bios are generally pretty unbiased, but they do seem to have an overwhelming love of Harvard graduates. Uhm, annoying.

[ Am I PORN or NOT ]

The domain name for this site is a little bit of a misnomer. Everything on the site is porn. It should probably be called something like "Is This Porn HOT or NOT. " But that neither rolls off the tongue (hmmmmmmm, porn tongue) or capitalizes on the name value of the original.

Well, the one thing that sucks about Am I HOT is that none of the pictures are nude. In fact, they go out of their way to insure that fact. Annoying. So, this solves that problem, except that the site looks as if ZERO effort went into putting it together. It kind of sucks. And while there are plenty of porn pictures, not nearly enough of them are HOT.

[ Am I GEEK or NOT ]

As if the geeks of the world weren't already picked on enough. *Sigh* Poor Bill Gates, Steve Case, Larry Ellison. These guys have had it tough in life. What with all the name calling and the getting stuffed in lockers back in Junior High. Years later, even their millions of dollars, enormous mansions and cushy jobs can't help them escape the name calling. The poor fellas.

This would be a great site to visit if you are an in a high school. If you see any of your school's kids on this site, WATCH OUT. Another Columbine can not be far off. Do whatever you need to do to help that kid, pay the hottest girl in school to hang out with him or send him to Rikki Lake for a Geek to Chic makeover. But do something, or get yourself a flak jacket and stay the hell out of his way.

[ Am I MONKEY HOT or NOT ]

Not so much a rip-off as a spoof, this Modern Humorist piece pokes a little fun at the whole phenomenon. After all this time it really isn't that funny anymore.

[ Am I GOD or NOT ]

This flavor of Am I BLANK isn't very HOT. It is a nice enough little idea. Put up pictures of Jimi Hendrix, Osiris, and Elvis. People rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 whether they think that person is a God or not. But there aren't very many pictures, and they don't show you the overall ranking of each picture. I think that must be because no one goes to this site and we all know that Kirsten Dunst is God. Yes, God is a woman. Well, a girl really.

[ Am I NAKED or NOT ]

If you have to ask if you are naked, then you are naked. I don't know, this is kind of a site without a purpose. Most of the pictures are nudes. So, the question is more a metaphysical one. Like, when people say a play is full of "naked emotions." When every picture is nude, your ratings are based, then, on the level of emotional nudity the picture displays.

At least they way I was playing with the site, which is a lot more fun than what is up there. It is also a lot more disturbing. Looking at naked people is much different than looking at naked people, or even clothed people, in physically or emotionally degrading photographs. I can only take so much of this site before it makes me feel really icky.

[ Am I STONED or NOT ]

When Am I HOT first blew up, I had friends who would get together, get drunk and rate the pictures as a group. It was a fun way for college kids to mix alcohol and the Internet into one fun little ball of soft-core porn fun. Now, this site takes it to a whole new level. Now, uou and your friends can get together, spark some of the chronic and just have fun. This site is even mildly entertaining without drugs. I wouldn't know though.

Oh wow. I've written an awful lot and only managed to get through about half my list. I'll finish this up another day. Ta ta for now.

comments (11)

mg

crime, punishment, leather, large mammals

by mg at 12:31 AM on March 19, 2001

D-E-A-D, it's sad to say that he is D-E-A-D...

In more dead celebrity news, Village person, Glenn Hughes, died 03/4 at age 50. Hughes, who played the persona of the "The Leatherman" (aka "The Biker") in the only band that ever mattered, The Village People. He requested to be buried In The Coffin wearing his trademark hat, chains and leather pants. He was quite a macho man, and was loved by many. I remember meeting him one warm spring night down in the meat-packing district... leather chaps can be so convenient sometimes.

What if I told you that you could have a new Apple G4 Titanium delivered right to your door for just $19.99? You'd think I was crazy, wouldn't you?

And you'd be right. Crazy like an l33t fox. Apparently, hackers have found a way to quickly and easily change the prices of products at many on-line stores. The hack allows users to enter in any price they want for an item. A new Dell laptop for $36. A Cartier watch for $19.50. Tickets to Paris on United Airlines for $25. It's just that easy. According to software security experts, 30% of all U.S. stores and 40% of all UK stores are susceptible to the price-changing hack.

You want me to tell you how to do it, don't you? Well, I could explain it here and half of you wouldn't understand, and the other half would just want more information, so I'll just provide the link and you can go read it (or not) yourselves. You greedy, thieving bastards. Let me know if it works, though.

One murder, one dismemberment, no wood chipper...

Pyotr Valeryevich Shmelev walked into the Minneapolis, Minnesota Police Department's homicide unit last week and admitted to killing his wife, severing her head and dismembering her body. He then drove more than 500 miles in order to drop her body bits into the Missouri River.

Shmelev and his wife were Russian immigrants and had lived in the States for several years. Well, comrade, maybe you can get away with that kind of thing back in Mother Russia, but not in the good ol' US of A. Unless you are a Heisman Trophy winning football star and also happen to lop off the head of your wife's waiter boyfriend.

After killing his wife Shmelev kept her head in his car's glove box for another three weeks. I remember I once left half a cheeseburger in my car for almost a month. Anyway, a glove box seems like an odd place to keep a head. People are always putting things in weird places...

Towards the end of every month I always find myself asking "Where did all my money go?"

If I were more like Regina Griffin, it might just be hiding in one of my "more private areas." Griffin was arrested last year on drug charges and in the course of a routine strip search $2,141 "just kind of fell out of her" beaver, say Beaver County police officials. The joke here is entirely too easy, so I'll just shut up and move on. Okay, no I wont.

The sheriff's office didn't want the money. The District Attorney didn't like having it around. And even the banks wouldn't take the money. Officials decided to donate the money to the Saint Anthony Children's Home. Speaking for the orphans, 6-year-old lil' Timmy Flanagan turned the money down, saying "We could really use that money to buy ourselves some warm blankets, toys and medicine," but are returning it "because it smelled funny."

Not as clever a beaver, but still a place to stash some cash...

Carlton Meredith was looking to top Griffin's and inclusion in the 2001 Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Currency Carried in a Bodily Orifice." Like Griffin, Meredith was arrested on drug charges, for smoking marijuana inside an Amarillo, Texas bus station. During the strip search police found more than $8,000 in cash and more than $4,000 in money orders hidden within Meredith's buttocks.

Officials decided to donate the money to the St. Anthony Children's Home. Speaking for the orphans, 6-year-old lil' Timmy Flanagan turned the money down almost immediately, saying "We could use the money to buy ourselves some warm blankets, toys and medicine," but we returning it "because it smelled funny."

Babar to creationists: Take that!

Just what do you do if you are the world's largest land mammal and you've got a whole country out that wants to kill you and use one of your body parts to make piano keys? Kill Billy Joel, Elton John and Tori Amos? No, you just get rid of that body part. At least that's what you do if you are an African elephant.

By the 1960s poachers looking to cash in on their ivory tusks had hunted elephants almost to extinction. But in the last several years wildlife authorities have noticed something strange happening to the elephants. Previous surveys have shown as few as 1% of elephants being born without tusks. Now, as many as 30% of adult elephants are naturally without tusks.

And without tusks, poachers have no reason to kill the elephants besides the sheer joy of taking another life. As a result, the elephant population has skyrocketed. Things have gotten so good for Africa's trunked population that their ranks now need to be thinned.

Which is where the new Dutch reality show, "The Big Diet," comes in. Twelve large mammals will be locked in a house for 13 weeks where they will be forced to lose weight or get their fat asses kicked out of the house and lose the chance to win almost half a million dollars.

Your money or your lif-, on second thought, just gimme your money...

Legal news from Iowa, my former home-on-the-range, where an appeals court has ruled that James Edward Heard was not guilty of robbery. Heard was arrested two years ago after walking into a convenience store with a paper bag over his head and asking the cashier for all her money. The court noted that the legal definition of robbery requires physical contact, a threatening gesture or at least nonverbal physical movement, and it reversed Heard's conviction.

And to think, all that time in college when I had to donate plasma just to scrape up enough money for beer and pizza when all I really had to do was ask. Now that I'm unemployed, it's getting a little hard to scrape up money for beer and pizza again. I wonder would will happen if I walk into convenience store here in New York City with a bag on my head and a politely phrased request for money?

comments (2)

mg

ladies leave your men at home

by mg at 12:28 AM on March 18, 2001

If you happen to be in or around New York City this weekend, one of my favorite performers will be playing. Stuart Davis will be playing at the Living Room on Saturday (3/24) at 8:30.

He is most easily described as a folk musician, but don't be alarmed, he is very good and not at all lame. He writes songs about blowing up the president, falling in love with Barbie dolls, and reawakening his Viking ancestry. If you enjoy this site, you would enjoy his show.

I got this string of e-mail this evening:

Date: 6:30:08 PM EST

From: unknownsender

dam you

Date: 6:31:06 PM EST

From: pupppygirl90402

who areyou

Date: 6:31:38 PM EST

From: puppygirl90402

who are you

Date: 6:32:44 PM EST

From: puppygirl90402

STOP STOP STOP STOPP

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Date: 6:34:27 PM EST

From: unknownsender

dam you

Date: 6:40:59 PM EST

From: PUPPYGIRL90402

fgksdl;\'ggk sdlf;gk

l;df\'gkfl;\'g kszdl;kASL

:dklas; alskdaskdl;

sfkdlas; dksdl;fkdslf;\'

sdflk;das

Oh lord. PuppyGirl. Someone. Please explain.

Song of the Moment : Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk

Are you so desperate for advice that you'd be willing to ask someone with absolutely no training, compassion, or desire to help other human beings? I know, me too! We've got all answers. We just need your questions. So ask away.

Sad Entertainment News

TV's original Jerry Springer, Morton Downey, Jr. is dead at 68 after a long battle with lung cancer. Mort "The Mouth" as he was known, was a big star in the 80s for his shock-style TV talk show.

Morton Downy, Jr. is survived by son Robert Downey, Jr. who was so distraught by his father's death he rushed out, bought some cocaine, rented a Wonderwoman costume and checked into a hotel. Police arrested him but he was later released after it was found out that imaginary neonazis had made him do it.

After hearing the news of Robert Downey, Jr.'s latest drug trouble, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences decided to award him as Best Actor in a Motion Picture, despite the fact he was neither nominated for the award nor had even appeared in a movie last year.

comments (1)

mg

double-stuffed with extra goodness

by mg at 12:25 AM on March 16, 2001

Since I missed yesterday this issue of Bad Samaritan is double-stuffed with extra special doom and gloom.

If your wife is a transsexual why do you need to castrate yourself?

This... story... too... strange... Go... read... self... If you don't feel like going to read the article here are the Cliff Notes: Transsexual is accused of castrating and killing her sixth husband only three days after he returned home from drug rehab. When police searched their trailer they found "dead animals, including turtles, a parakeet and a cat that had been strung up in a tree in the back yard." Upon hearing about the castration, murder and arrest a neighbor is quoted as saying "That's the best news I've heard."

It turns out the couple had ordered the Ronco Home Castration kit after seeing an infomercial and agreeing that their prior purchases, a Flowbie, a Food Dehydrator and a Pocket Fisherman, had all proved so useful that they had nothing to lose, especially with the lifetime money back guarantee. Ronco President Ron Popeil announced they'd be withdrawing the Home Castration Kit from the market until they could figure out how to solve that whole pesky death thing.

Till death do us paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart...

A Colorado man dying of cancer admitted to police that he killed his wife by shoving her into the Grand Canyon. He said that after seeing such a wondrous natural beauty he realized what an awful life he had and what a huge bitch his wife was. Or perhaps I made that up.

Police had always suspected the man of killing his wife but were never able to find enough evidence to prove it. When they heard he was dying they thought he might confess. He did confess to that murder and also admitted to police that in 1978 he'd killed his first wife and two teenage children. Looking back on his actions he did have some regrets, namely that his second wife had divorced him before he'd gotten a chance to kill her too.

They just grow up so fast...

Two 12-year-old Florida girls have been charged with attempted murder after trying to drown one of their classmates. What could have possibly caused these pre-pubescent girls to fly into a murderous rage? Was it Barbie envy? Irreconcilable differences over the dance styles of N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys? A philosophical debate over whether Hello Kitty or Sailor Moon is cuter? All perfectly valid reasons for murder, but no, the drowning was attempted because the girl wouldn't lend her mates her flippers.

I remember stabbing this kid in the head with a G.I. Joe pencil because he wouldn't let me use his Thundercats eraser. But I was 14 at the time. Girls really do mature faster than boys.

Six foot plank through hand, the hitchhikers secret weapon...

The very unlucky Jonathan Harper was pulling up floorboards when a six-foot piece of wood fell on his hand and a three-inch nail punctured his knuckle. A three-inch nail punctured his knuckle. Ouch! Harper was able to dial for help and waited outside for the ambulance to show. "I waved to one bloke as he came up the street," he said. I wonder how they knew it was him?

Harper also said the "the hand didn't really hurt much" and that things could have been worse...

Circular saw accident gives man jigsaw puzzle penis...

A Russian coffin-maker was hard at work when his circular saw got a little too close to his "special area" and got caught in his trousers. Before he knew it, he'd mangled his member and the man, and 5 penis bits, were rushed to the hospital.

Probably the only time this was ever said, but, luckily the man lived in Moscow, where they've got a special Emergency Care for Men department and penis expert Pyotr Shcheplev. Shcheplev specializes in trauma to the male genitalia and unlike with Humpy Dumpty, was able to put this penis bag together again.

In I bet this guy wishes he lived in Moscow news...

Weddings can be quite stressful events. It's especially stressful if you are the one getting married. It's even more stressful if you are the bridegroom and get into a fight with one of the guests. And, let's just say that it is a bad sign for the wedding, not to mention the honeymoon, if you are the bridegroom and you get in a fight with a guest and he ends up biting off your testicle.

Ito beware...

A Guatemalan judge was hacked to death by an angry mob after releasing two rape suspects for insufficient evidence. The judge managed to shoot and kill two of his attackers before the crowd of over 1000 people overcame him. The angry mob eventually killed him with sticks, hacked his body up with machetes and set the courthouse on fire.

In related news, CBS TV has announced that they've picked up Mark Burnett's new reality program for the fall season. The show will be a crossover with Court TV, star Judy Sheindlin and be sponsored by AKI Knife and Machete.

Georgia Senate encourages teenage threeways...

Many in the Georgia, house and senate, like Rep. Warren Massey, have a lot of "concern (about) 16-year-old drivers out there single-dating without the moral protection of another couple in the back seat just to keep the temperature down." They've been debating whether to change the law which makes it illegal for 16 and 17 year-old drivers to carry more than one passenger.

They believe they'll be able to cut down on teenage promiscuity and pregnancy by allowing kids to include another couple in on the fun. We think Massey is just trying to bring key parties to a whole new generation. The mores the better.

Today's revalation

Today I've finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I want to be a writer on Blind Date. And for once I'm not even kidding. Can anyone help me out with this? Or with any similar writing gig?

mg

revealing ourselves for fruit

by mg at 12:23 AM on March 14, 2001

And you thought the Lambada was the forbidden dance...

Brazilian officials have cracked down on a new teen dance crazy after at least 9 girls have gotten knocked up. The dance is a variation of musical chairs, but instead of sitting down on a chair when the music stops, the girls sit down in a guy’s lap. That, in and of itself, shouldn't be a problem, except that the girls wear mini-skirts, and often without panties.

While sitting in the guys lap, the dance requires the girls mimic sex-acts, and they've been doing it, sometimes much too well. There are so many incidental and actual acts of sexual intercourse taking place, with so many different dancers, that the girls, all aged between 12 and 16, have gotten pregnant and are unable to say who is the baby's father.

Back in my day, kids didn't even touch when they danced (remember American Bandstand?) and we were certainly wearing underwear at all times. Man, Dick Clark must be rolling over in his cryogenic bedchamber.

Giving new meaning to the term head of the class...

A North Bergen, New Jersey high school teacher was suspended for failing to notice several students in her class having sex. One 14-year-old girl allowed two boys to lick and fondle her breasts and performed oral sex on another.

I just don't know what is up with kids today. When I was in school the only thing I used saliva for was makin' spitballs. Though, I suppose if I had the choice between wads of saliva-soaked paper and hot teenage monkey love...

Vengeance, on an allowance...

A teenager in Houston, Texas was looking to get a little revenge after a traffic altercation a couple weeks ago. His brilliant and evil plan Dump a pig's head on his victim's doorstep. The problem? His victim was Jewish.

Coppers agree, this was not a hate crime. Why so? The kid didn't choose a pig because his fellow traffic altercationee was Jewish but because pig heads, apparently, are pretty darn cheap. He should have gone to New Jersey, I hear head up there is free.

Some country's leaders snort coke, some country's leaders scratch records...

England's Prince Charles showed his stuff while scratching records and rapping over some phat beats at a London party. No, really. There are pictures. What's next up for The Prince (not to be confused with the Artist Currently Know as Prince)? Talks are in the works with Dr. Dre and Death Row Records for The Prince and Eminem to get together on a track about how to kill your ex-wife and get away with it.

Hey, look ma, Junior is up 1 3/4 a share...

Chris Llewelyn is one of the best 13-year-old tennis players in all of England and his dad just can't afford all that tennis stuff. So he decided to incorporate his son and sell shares. Investors help pay for his training, rackets and balls and William's sister beads, and in return they get a portion of his projected Wimbledon winnings. The stock's initial price offering (IPO) opened on the NASDAQ at about $20, but fell to just $1 5/16 on the news that Alan Greenspan would not be cutting interest rates until at least next quarter.

Not to laugh at someone else's misery...

But HAHAHHAHAHAHHAH. Razorfish, my former employers, are offering worker bees in their San Francisco, Boston and London offices a chance to "voluntarily" terminate themselves. It's kind of like a game of Russian Roulette. Voluntarily leave the company, with a primo compensation package, but be stuck without a job in a time when no one is hiring (believe me on this one), or wait it out and see if you will be one of the folks to go in the next round of lay-offs (which are supposed to happen Friday).

Let me just say, I love a lot of the people I know still working there, and I'd hate to see them out of work, voluntarily or not. But, the more I hear about those fucks in management, both from articles like this and from folks on the inside, the more I want this company to go down and go down hard. Like a New Jersey schoolgirl.

I want to see Razorfish go bye-bye and all of the company management to finally take the responsibility for their screw-ups. I want to see Jeff Dachis and his ugly little dog having to beg for money at the Port Authority. Is that too much to ask?

In sometimes I can be pretty Daft but not in that cool Punk way news...

So, there is this office supply store in the U.S. called Staples. I always though that it referred to staples, the things you put inside a stapler. But, according to Webster (how many bad school essays have begun that way?) a staple is also something having widespread and constant use or appeal. Bread and milk are staples, for example. So, I just now had this sort of revelation about the double meanings for the name of the store.

You know, other people have revelations about spirituality, or art, or ideas for inventions, or how to solve society's problems, I have revelations about why office supply stores are named the way they are.

I posted late yesterday and early today so if you didn't get a chance to read about my cold ass and brush with fame, now seems like as good a time as any.

mg

dun dun! (the law and order sound)

by mg at 12:21 AM on March 13, 2001

I am writing this while sitting on the steps of the New York County Courthouse, which is backrdop to so many poignant Law & Order one-liners. I think Sam Waterston is sitting next to me eating a hot dog with all the fixin's. Oh no, its the hot blonde DA from Law & Order : SVU.

Oh, no, wait, they are actually right now, at this very moment, filming an episode and that is the hot DA from L&O:SVU. How weird and cool. A strange coincidence.

I'm not sure why I'm out here sitting on the steps now. It is a totally blah day out. If I had my camera with me I'd be taking tons of pictures of old historic downtown Manhattan since the light is all cool and diffuse. But I don't have my camera so it is just cold and grey and wet and blah. But I'm enjoying myself.

I think I'm just happy to be out of the house. Since the layoff I've not had the daily grind to get me up in the morning and out of the house. No rat race, some nowhere for this rat to race. Or even amble. Without a job I've got no where to be unless I've run out of food.

Holy crap. Not to break my train of thought but there are a lot of extras on this L&O shoot. I was thinking all these people hanging out on the steps were like me - doing a little chilling, a whole lot of illing and a tad more than a pinch of milling. But the director just yelled "action" and everybody for about half a block in either direction started doing... stuff. Jeez, I should be getting paid to look busy like the rest of these fucks.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm just glad to be out of the house. But I'm kind of depressed as well. I had another veil ripped cruelly from my eyes today as one of my most venerable beliefs about city life was proven untrue. For 24 years I've always believed that when riding on the subway late at night, or really anytime you might feel unsafe, i.e. all the time, that the safest part of the train to ride on was the car with the driver in it.

I was on the train this morning and was eavesdropping (what? I'm a writer I am not only allowed but legally obligated to eavesdrop) on a conversation between the conductor and this woman he was totally sweating. He was saying how he used to work the midnight shift and that is actually the safest because no one rides the trains and the criminals know that so don't even bother getting on the train.

There is something faulty in his logic somewhere but he is the professional so I'll take his word on it.

He also said that if he saw someone getting mugged he wouldn't try to stop it and would in fact completely ignore the situation so the criminal would leave him alone. Firstly, that isn't the kind of thing to admit when you are trying to get on a fly honey, but my tax dollars pay this dudes salary. He should be more than willing to take a damn bullet for me. At the very least he should be willing to yell "stop" if he sees someone trying to snatch my gold chain. The fucker.

Okay, I'm writing this bit now from another locale. Could you tell? When I got up off from sitting on the stairs my ass was really cold. And not in that good way. I guess sitting on concrete steps in 30 degree weather is not a good thing to do if you want a warm ass. When I got up I made a point of walking past exactly where they were filming the scene to get a closer look at that hot blonde DA from L&O:SVU.

The woman she was doing the scene with looked a lot like Margot Kidder, who is not hot at all. If you don't know, Margot Kidder played Superman's girlfriend, Lois Lane, in all those movies. So, if that was indeed Margot Kidder, watch for the episode of L&O:SVU with her on it. If it wasn't, look for an episode with someone who looks like her in it.

The scene entailed the hot blonde DA walking down the courtroom steps (a scene mandated to appear in every L&O episode). Well, the Margot Kidder look-a-like ran down the stairs after the hot blonde DA and they were talking. If you look behind them when they are on the steps, look for me waaaay in the background. I was wearing a grey jacket with a blue shirt and black tie. Uhm. Okay, that described half the people there. But look for me anyway.

comments (21)

mg

i dont like mondays

by mg at 12:20 AM on March 12, 2001

In who can afford plastic surgery news...

Father Aidan Doyle described the man who tried breaking into his room as kinda funny-lookin', more than most people, even. Police announced they'd brought in Steve Buscemi for questioning.

Maybe if he'd thrown in a PlayStation 2...

Mark Cobb offered his next-door neighbor, Carlos Robles, $50 to have sex with Robles' wife. Apparently Cobb's offer wasn't sweet enough because the two men got into a fight that ended with Robles stabbing Cobb in the face with a screwdriver.

A couple days later, Robles confronted Cobb again, this time with a handgun and one bad attitude. He fired a couple shots at Cobb before being subdued by the police.

Apparently a two day waiting / cooling-off period before buying a handgun is just not long enough when someone wants to do your wife for $50.

Lorena Bobbit eat your, uh, heart out...

The men of Bonn, Germany can stop sleeping on their stomachs now as "The Snipper"

is finally subdued. For 18 months Magda Husemann has been running around town snipping male genitalia like she was a Wisconsin housewife on coupon day.

Investigators think Husemann had been hurt by a man in the past (you think?) and was taking it out by slipping into men's apartment at night and depriving them of their manhood. Since the summer of 1999 she had chopped off 13 penis' (peni?). Police recovered all of the members, which had "been carefully preserved in jars -- each jar stuffed inside a Christmas stocking. " Ho, ho, ho!

Doin' it can make you go blind...

A doctor at the University of Maryland Medical Center has discovered five cases of blindness in patients being treated with Viagra. Representatives from Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, say he is just making something there that wasn't there before. That he is making a big deal out of a little problem. That he is only making this announcement to get a rise out of the media. And so forth.

Feel free to make up your own erection / Viagra / blindness joke. It's a fun way to pass the work day!

Parachutist lands on a beer vendor at a coleslaw wrestling match. No, really.

High winds whipped the parachutist off his mark, and it all happened so quick that the victim, poor Sherri Lee, didn't have time to heed the warnings of "move, dummy" yelled by helpful some onlookers.

And people say that coleslaw wrestling is fake.

Oops, I did it again, I ran over a protester with my tank...

In efforts to subvert the subversiveness of rock 'n' roll music the Chinese government has created three of their very own pop supergroups. And you thought Aerosmith, Britney and the Backstreet Boys at the Superbowl was just a marketing move.

In I've got nothing funny to say about this but boy is it a cool story news...

British officials are working on a system to allow bus riders to find out how late their bus is using a cellular phone. Each stop will be provided a unique code which passengers can use to track a buses distance and estimated time of arrival. I think that kicks ass. Now if they could only get cell phones to work when your in the tubes.

comments (1)

mg

the march monster

by mg at 12:09 AM on March 12, 2001

I went out to the store last night to buy myself a six-pack of Beck's and the place was packed. There was no bread left. No milk. No bottled water. I saw these two old Indian ladies fighting over the last 10 pound bag of rice.

People have been freaking out for days now. Since Thursday night they have been issuing warning after warning of the big snow storm scheduled to dump on the east coast starting Sunday and finishing up Tuesday.

I've seen snow totals as high as 3 feet. Last night the New York City public schools announced they'd be closed today. You know how often the New York City public schools close? Hardly ever. In my 12 years of elementary and high school I can think of only 3 times.

The 3 NYC metro airports closed as of 3 p.m. Sunday afternoon, and announced that all flights would be canceled until Tuesday. This was before any snow had even fallen.

This is shaping up to be a major event, right? You might even call it the Storm of the Century

When I went to bed last night I was expecting to look out my window this morning and see nothing but white. (which, considering the neighborhood I live in would be highly unlikely any other time)

I expected I'd have trouble getting my front door open.

So, what did see when I woke up this morning?

Nothing. The snow didn't even completely cover the ground. No snowmen. No toboggan races. No snow.

This is what happens when you depend on guys like this for anything.

mg

with a little help from my friends

by mg at 12:17 AM on March 11, 2001

The links have been updated with some new friends to Bad Samaritan. These new friends are:

   lovers caught on tape

   fact0r

   this is a cry for help

   m a x d e i d

I've officially declared next week to be "Friends of BS Week" and will be highlighting all the sites that we love or who've shown us love. If you want to be considered a Friend of BS use that form thing down below and let me know.

Should I allow advertising on this site? Yes or No?

I am incurably nosy about who comes to this site and why. In checking my referrer logs today I noticed someone came to the site from usdoj.gov. That is the domain for the United States Department of Justice. Now, what was this U.S. Department of Justice employee looking for on my site from their U.S Department of Justice computer? An article I'd written about Rate My Rack. Good to see our tax dollars are going to help folks get off, even at work.

Dave from Fact0r.net sent an e-mail saying how much he loved the site. Or something. You should go over there and read the IM Abuse stuff. It is remarkably funny. Think prank phone calls gone Internet.

Snaggle pointed out that pillow biting is a sexual thing. A homo-sexual thing. I don't know much about all that "sex" stuff, I thought I was just quoting a line from Waiting for Guffman.

If one more of you mentions that my bed is unmade in my picture (see below) I am going to bite my pillow.

Keith, that slave driver (see below), requested a picture. This one isn't very good and it isn't very recent. But it was in digital form and I'm too lazy to scan anything. And I'm not doing anything embarrassing or illegal in it.

Hey Keith, "i" before "e" except after c.

I had a request from Keith over at Keithers.com for some kind of a bio page. (He also thinks my site is spiffy. i think that is pretty spiffy!) Keithers, your wish is my command: everything you ever wanted to know about mg but were afraid to ask (except for Keithers)

Would you like your site linked from Bad Samaritan? It's fun and easy. Just like me! Either send me an e-mail or use the groovy little form at the bottom of this column. All you have to do is have a worthwhile site. Or put a link to this site on your site. I'm such a whore!

mg

homer simpson's scar

by mg at 12:15 AM on March 09, 2001

Things to do if you are unemployed...

Are you also a victim of the dot.com bubble bursting? I feel like such a tool for writing that, but anyway, are you? If you are, go to Dot Doomed and rate your former employer. Think, Am I Hot or Not for dot.coms. You can rate different dot.coms on whether you think they'll survive or not.

Go find the dot.com that laid you off, cast at least 100 "DOOMED" votes, than have a friend of yours who still works at the company post up the link to the company listing on Dot Doomed to the company's intranet. There is no better way to get back at a former employer like ruining morale. Or stealing office supplies. I love you stapler. I love you paper clip.

In and here I thought this was just a funny Simpson's quote news...

>Compaq FAQ: Where is the ANY Key? (FAQ2859)

This is not a key. When you are instructed to press any key, this means you can press any of the keys on the keyboard (such as the Enter key, the R key, or the space bar).

I can't really say anything funny about this. (and if you don't believe this is really a question, go check it out the FAQ Compaq site.

Like you could come up with a better use for 50 tubs of butter...

A bunch of school kids from the Good Shepherd Primary School in London, England, are testing the theory that a slice of bread will always land buttered side down.

The kids have already been contacted by Dean Kamen, inventor of IT (aka Ginger). Insiders tell us that Kamen has also contacted the lads responsible for Bonsai Kitten. It is believed he is now working on a prototype for a hover-scooter that will revolutionize the way modern cities are built. The scooter will be powered by using a piece of buttered toast strapped to the back of a cat.

Making homophobia pay off...

The Florida chapter of the United Way announced last that they wouldn't give any money to organization's who were discriminatory. Things looked grim for the Boy Scouts, but like they say, always be prepared. The scouts ended up raising $330,000, $5k more than they had been asking for, mainly through donors who only decided to pony up after the United Way made their ruling.

That money will sure buy a lot of smores and those cute little ascots those Boy Scouts wear.

In American kids may be stupid and violent, but British kids are stupid and have bad teeth news...

A recent study showed that British kids don't know one damned thing about their country's history. That's bad news for the Brits, but great news for us Americans. If we can't get smarter, at least our constant barrage of bad TV, music and movies can help to make the rest of the world a little more stupid.

Some house cleaning news...

Last month I went over the transfer/storage limits with my hosting company so I had to get bumped up to the next hosting level. Which means I've now got about 10 times more storage and 5 times more storage than I could possibly conceive of using in the near future.

So, I was thinking what should I use this extra power for? I could start posting pictures of Britney Spear's exposed nipples (here and here ).

But no, I choose to do something a little more noble than providing sex-starved middle-agers with pictures of naked teenagers. Like offer up the bandwidth to folks who've got fantastic sites (or even ideas for sites) and who don't want to be stuck with geocities or tripod. Wouldn't it be great to have a cool badsamarian.com/YOURWEBSITE, rather than all that geocities neighborhood and ~ crap?

Anyway, interested individuals should let me know and we can discuss.

mg

molar n a biscuit

by mg at 12:13 AM on March 08, 2001

A complete lame-ass in rural North Carolina is suing Hardee's after finding a tooth in a biscuit...

Ronald Cheeley are suing because they say the incident has caused him great pain of mind and that he has had to receive medical care. His wife Queen Williamson Cheeley is also named in the suit because she claims the incident has deprived her of companionship, which basically comes down to her hubby can't get it up since finding a tooth in his sausage and egg biscuit.

To generate some good press about the incident, Hardee's has decided to start a cross promotional campaign with Pfizer and the American Dental Association to begin serving Viagra and teeth with all their breakfast sandwiches.

In related news, the folks who make Chicken in a Biscuit, sensing a big new market niche, immediately began production of Molar in a Biscuit.

Another round of school shootings are sweeping the nation, but this latest has got to be the most shocking...

It hasn't gotten a lot of airplay because only one person was shot and no one was killed, which hardly seems like news at all following Monday's shooting spree. But yesterday's school shooting in Pennyslvania is the most shocking yet because it involved a female shooter. A 14 year-old girl. At a Catholic school. With the Catholic school girl's uniform. I wish there was video. I can't wait for the HBO movie.

In I'm not gay news...

According to the Metrosexuality Gay-O-Meter I am 54% gay. Which I was a little worried about until I saw that I am "a happy and well adjusted hetereo." Woohoo! I'm Happy! I'm well adjusted! I'm hetereo! The Internet told me so!

To boldly go...

Supposedly the next Star Trek series will be set 100 years prior to the original Capt. Kirk version. I suppose it makes sort of an esoteric sense considering that The Next Generation was set 100 years after the original and prequals seem to be the in things these days. For some reason, I sense this is just an excuse to cut back on the special F/X budget. I was also hoping that Seven would be on the new series. Sigh.

Baboons like swollen asses...

Scientists announce that for baboons trying to attract a partner it is the size and shape of a potential mate's bottom that counts. Scientists can be so smart sometimes. Apparently the bigger and more prominent a female's rear end swellings, the more likely it is that she'll produce lots of healthy offspring. The scientists also warned Jennifer Lopez to never visit the monkey house at the zoo.

In *cough* *cough* *cough* news...

If a cigarette carton opens in a forest does it make a sound? What is the sound of one cigarette carton opening?

Yes, and the death 03/. Or at least cigarette packages will eventualy make sounds, at least if the European Union has anything to say about it. Might I suggest, "Just say no!" I hear that works well in other, similar situations.

mg

a sex toy story

by mg at 12:12 AM on March 08, 2001

A batch of Toy Story dolls are being investigated for sexually harassing four year olds...

Apparently a doll of Jesse, Woody's girlfriend in Toy Story 2, is rumored to ask: "Have you seen my clitoris?" The Woody doll then responds: "I've been shipwrecked on an island for six months, and the only thing I've seen is the side of FedEx box. Now take off that thong tha-thong thong thong and show me some vulva!"

In more genitalia news, three might be company but two is definitely a crowd for Nick at Nite...

An eagle eyed viewer of the 70s-80s hit "Three's Company" saw something he wasn't expecting during a recent rerun of the show on Nickelodeon. Jack Tripper's nuts. "Yes," said a Nickelodeon spokesman. "His scrotum falls out of his shorts." If anyone has been able to find pictures of this, let me know. I'd really like to see this. For, uh, the sake of news. I'll post the picture here if I find 'em.

In if this law were enacted in the States I'd owe roughly $17 billion news...

A new law in Australia makes it illegal to forward e-mail without the author's prior permission. The new laws set out maximum penalties of five years' jail time or fines of $60,000. I don't really have anything to say about this. Anything that protects copyrights is good, I guess...

I just love that new ritneyB pearsS album!

If you haven't already heard, blah blah blah Napster blah blah RIAA blah spys. People are already coming out up with ways around the recording industries blocking certain songs. Aimster, a program that runs on top of the Napster software now allows you to automatically "alter" the file names of banned songs by using a variation of pig-latin.

So, if you can't live without that new Steely Dan single, check out the Aimster pig encoder.

I don't know what IT is, but they've sure got IT...

IT, aka Ginger, the mysterious invention and phenomenon that sparked millions of words (all about nothing) a couple months ago is about to finally be revealed. Inside.com will reveal what IT is in their next issue. Apparently IT is a hydrogen-powered scooter. Whoopee!

That doesn't quite seem to live up to the claims of IT changing the face of modern cities and being more important than computers and the Internet, but the fact that they'll be using the technology to make "motorized, self-propelled ... chariots" is pretty cool.

mg

the morning news

by mg at 12:10 AM on March 06, 2001

The New York area media spent 3 days reporting on the threat of snow. They've now spent a day and a half reporting how little snow there really was and about how much they all has hyped the storm up.

The trailer for the new Planet of the Apes movie was released last week. This movie looks fantastic. The movie's web site looks less so.

This remake was directed by Tim Burton, who also directed Beetlejuice, the first Batman, Nightmare Before Christmas, Sleepy Hollow and Edward Scissorhands. The trailer has that same sort mythological feel as all of Burton's work, which should make a great backdrop for the Planet of the Apes story. I can't wait until July, when the film comes out.

And FYI: It's still earth.

Apparently Jerry Falwell was right. Well, no he was wrong, but close. Actually, not close at all. Tinky Winky may or may not be gay, but Po is definitely a lesbian. Or at least the actress who plays Po, Pui Fan Lee, plays a lesbian on a new BBC show.

Apparently the character she plays on the show, called Metrosexuality, likes to run around topless and perform oral sex (and there's a picture). From what I understand, the second episode includes a great scene where her lover is playing tune in Tokyo and trying to get TV on Pui's stomach.

Lt. Brian Lunan wants to become a woman. And eventually he will be. Bexar County Sheriff Ralph Lopez announced he'd allow Brian to continue working over the three year process to femininity and has ordered other deputies not to make fun of him. You might expect this kind of thing in New York or California, but Texas?

Not everyone is as cool as the Sheriff, as evidenced by Fred Phelps, the Kansas Baptist pastor who protested at the funeral of Matthew Shepard and runs God Hates Fags. Phelps is protesting the Sheriff's decision. Phelps also protested at my college graduation because of the university's open policy regarding homosexuality. You should go to Phelps' site and send him nasty e-mail.

comments (1)

mg

blue yellow red

by mg at 12:04 AM on March 02, 2001

Hey, look, its a new layout! Exciting, huh?

Tell me what you think.

This was actually supposed to go up yesterday, on March 1st, but... well, I thought yesterday was February 28. I've actually been a day off all week. Oops. No big loss either way, I guess.

I suppose it might have something to do with not having a job and not really having to be anywhere at anytime. Or maybe it is that I find it really hard to believe that it is already March.

Can you believe that it is 3 months into 2001 and there hasn't been a single intelligent robot that has tried to take over the world yet? I know I can't believe it. The earth should have been destroyed at least 7 times over by now.

Perhaps I was off with the days because I didn't want March to roll around. So far in 2001 every month has brought some new disaster in my life. In January I lost a girlfriend. In February I lost a job. What am I going to lose in March?

If I had a pet, I think it would probably die this month. But, alas, I don't.

I can only imagine what I will lose this month, though. My house could burn down. I could have a limb amputated. What will I lose?

I can only hope this will finally be the month I lose my virginity. But that would be a good thing. Wouldn't it? So, this will probably be the month I finally lose my butt virginity. Which would be a bad thing.

Anyway. It is March now. I'm making a resolution to post every day again. I think I'll actually stick to it now. So, more tomorrow.